Can't steal happiness

Anyone that has a toddler and a baby can agree with me that most days, it is hard to stop and smell the roses. Most likely, you're stopping to smell the poop, on the butts that you're wiping that is. Most of my life, I have been unable to appreciate the period of time that I am in and have always looked forward to that next big "thing"--the next phase of my life where surely I would be completely, entirely happy. In middle school, I couldn't wait for high school. In high school, all I wanted to do was get to college. In college, I was sure that I would be really truly happy when I graduated and became a career woman. Once I had a real job, I looked forward to when I got married and had kids.

Now that I'm there--in that happily ever after that most little girls dream of--well, I'm really trying to embrace it. I want to live in this moment, the here and now of everyday life, instead of looking forward to the future. But I'll admit that it is hard to do some days. It takes effort to appreciate these little beings and to remind myself that I, too, was once so young and vulnerable, taking in the whole world around me and shaping my future self. More than anything I want to teach my children to find joy in the smallest of everyday moments--looking for shapes in the puffy clouds, finding a violet in the middle of the yard, seeing a snail creep his way across the driveway.

Today in the car Aiden was throwing a fit because he dropped his book and I couldn't get it because I was driving. Ava was fussing because she had thrown all of her toys out of her carseat. I felt like I was going to lose it with the two of them both crying. I closed my eyes (briefly, I was driving, lol) and took an audible deep breath. Aiden said, "Mommy took a deeeeep breath. Do you feel all better now, Mommy? It works for Aiden too!" and he took a deep breath, blowing his air out as loudly as he could. I couldn't help but laugh, he was just so cute. I realized that there I was, in the moment, teaching something without even realizing it, and it made me smile. I give myself a lot of grief sometimes, thinking that maybe I don't try hard enough to be the best mom that I can be. But sometimes being the best mom I can be just means letting my children see me trying to be the best person I can be, mom or not.

As I wander down this path of motherhood, I'm finding happiness in some of the most unexpected places. I expected to feel happy when I heard my baby laugh for the first time or my toddler say, "I love you too Mommy!" I didn't expect to feel happy making a rocket out of a paper towel tube or crawling around the house on my hands and knees giving horsie rides. Henry David Thoreau once said, "That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest." When I think about it, I couldn't agree more.