So...it's been a while. Again. I would spout out another apology about how I mean to blog more but never have the time, yadda yadda yadda...but it wouldn't be sincere. The truth is that I DO have time to blog, but I'm uninspired these days. Life is chugging along. Winter is in full swing--in fact we are in the middle of the coldest week that the country has seen in decades. It is currently a whopping -11 degrees here in Painesville. Yes, NEGATIVE 11 degrees, with windchills sitting around 35 below zero. So, it's a tad chilly. Understatement of the year.
It's no secret that I loathe winter. I despise the cold, the snow, being stuck in the house for days. It feels like a prison to me, and I long for the warmth of summer, the long days and short nights, the waves lapping on the sandy shore. I miss Lake Erie more than I ever thought I could miss a body of water. I haven't been since the fall because I know that it would just depress me even further to see the great gray bleakness, the never ending ice. Blah.
With all that being said, Christmas has come and gone, and it was wonderful. We were so fortunate this year to be able to have a generous Christmas, and the kids were delighted with Santa's gifts. We even surprised the kids a few weeks before Christmas and went to Splash Lagoon in Erie, PA, for a night. It was a really fun trip--both kids loved all of the water slides and had an absolute blast. After Christmas, Ava turned 6! I can't believe my little baby is so big now. She had a really fun party at Pat Catan's craft store with 6 of her friends. They painted jewelry boxes, had cake and snacks, opened presents (of course!) and played a few games. It was the first time in years (since Aiden turned 4 in GA and the weather was nice enough to do an outdoor party!) that we've had a birthday party away from home and it was so nice not to have to clean the house before and after the party! Always a perk for me :-)
Now the New Year is in full swing. 2014. Once again I'm faced with the task of making resolutions that I NEVER seem to actually keep (8th year in a row that I did NOT lose 30 pounds...shocker). So, in the face of a new chapter in my 33 chapter book, I decided to make a new resolution this year. A resolution that I can actually stick to, a resolution that will really make me a better mother, wife, friend, and person overall. It goes a little something like this:
Stop Feeling Guilty
My inner-monologue is hands down the meanest bitch I've ever met. Seriously. She berates me, constantly, for taking any spare minute of time for myself. She is berating me this very instant, in fact, because I am sitting at the computer writing on my blog and letting the kids play Disney Infinity...AGAIN. But you know what? This is the year that I tell that crazy conscience of mine to take a hike. She's been dragging me down for too long now. She makes me feel weak, and powerless, and she is constantly telling me horrible things like, "You're fat and ugly," "You're a terrible friend," and "You're the worst mother in the world!" It's got to stop. I can't keep being my own worst enemy all the time. I need to allow myself the simple pleasures of enjoying life and reveling in my down time, particularly because my actual "free time" is about to be severely compromised by Graduate School (6 days and counting...yikes). I need to be able to take time to exercise without feeling like I "should" be doing something more worthwhile. Cleaning can wait, and I don't need to spend every minute with my children trying to be the "best mom ever." Chances are that when my kids look back on their childhoods they won't remember me "neglecting" them by taking 45 minutes to exercise or to sit on the couch to read a book. Hopefully it will help instill in them the notion that taking time to take care of yourself mentally and physically should be a priority no matter what age you are.
This year, I vow to BE MORE HAPPY. Relish the sun on my face, the wind at my back, the moments when I'm not actually accomplishing anything except being present in that moment. The older I get, the more I am beginning to realize that not every minute of every day needs to be a productive minute. The laundry is ALWAYS going to be there in some capacity. Dishes will always need done, carpets will always need vacuumed, tables will always need dusted. But my children are growing older each day, and I owe it to them to be more joyful and present in their lives. I need to stop beating myself up for not being "perfect." There isn't any such thing! I need to stop looking in the mirror and saying such terrible, horrible things to myself. I would never be friends with someone who told me I looked disgusting, would I? Absolutely not. So, why do I say those things to myself? My body isn't perfect, it isn't nice to look at or taut and toned, but it is a healthy body. It can give great hugs, climb stairs, walk the beach. It can pick up my daughter if she falls and scrapes her knee. It can bend over to tuck my son into bed. My body is useful, capable, sturdy and strong. My body grew 2 amazing children INSIDE of it! That's something to be proud of, to feel honored by, instead of constantly feeling ugly and disgusting.
Hating myself is getting to be so exhausting. Truly. So, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop feeling so guilty all the time, I'm going to take more time for myself this year, to do the things that I enjoy and make me happy. Because when I'm happy, I'm a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter. When I take the time to do the things that matter to me (as inconsequential as they may seem to any one else), my spirit thrives, and it shows.
Less guilt in 2014. More time relishing moments. More time basking in joy. Less time stressing about the floors, clothes, dishes and dust. More time giving hugs. Less time worrying. More time reading, singing, laughing and playing.
I think I've finally made a resolution worth keeping. Here's to 2014, may it be the best chapter yet :-)
