A Bad Season...

The older I get (35 later this month, for anyone who's keeping track), the more I realize that life is made up of seasons. Not weather or temperature-related seasons, but seasons of good fortune and bad luck. Seasons of depression and happiness. Seasons of love and laughter and seasons of hard times and longing.

This season that I am in...it is a bad season. I find myself more lost in my life than I have ever felt before. I feel like I took something that I really loved and enjoyed--the library, books, children's programming--and I ruined it. Grad school, for a lack of a better term, sucks. I hate it, hate every second of every class, hate the readings and the lectures and the papers and the assignments. But mostly I hate the anxiety that comes along with the deadlines...every week feels like fresh torture. I wake up in the middle of the night with a tightness in my chest...a feeling like I can't breathe, can't take a deep breath. I've never felt this way for so long before. And the worst part is knowing that it isn't going to end any time soon. I'm not even halfway through my Master's.

This season finds me thinking very childish, very selfish thoughts. This season finds me wanting to call in sick to work every day because the thought of going in to be this new position, the "boss" that I never really wanted to be at all, makes me physically sick to my stomach. This season has me plotting ways that I could just not finish my Master's but never tell anyone, let everyone assume I did. This season has me wondering if I could just run away in the middle of the night...

None of this season is rational, but worse, none of this season is ME at all. I feel the parts of myself that I love the most--the carefree, silly person who loves to laugh and have fun--slipping silently away underneath the fear and anxiety of all of these new demands. This season has been full of tears, me weeping quietly over my keyboard in a silent house. This season has been the loneliest season of my life.

When I have days (and weeks, and lately, months) where I feel like this season will never end, I say to myself the things that everyone says:

This, too, shall pass.
Stop being so hard on yourself!
You're smart, you can do this.
You are good at your job, they are lucky to have you.
You're a good mom, you're doing the best you can right now.

It helps, sometimes. It helps me remember that no one is perfect and I am waking up every day and putting on my different hats and getting it done. It helps that no one sees me cry about it, I've been a very private person these last few weeks especially. But this season...oh this season. I hope 5 years from now when I am staring 40 in the face that I look back on this season and I remember that I was strong, and that I pushed through it, and I worked 40 hours a week and did 15+ hours of school work and tried my best to make it to every school meeting and sporting event and I don't remember that I cried every day and I hated my life. I really, really, really hope. For now, that hope is enough.

Here are some pictures of this past summer, which was a better season. Until next time...

A New Journey...

I haven't posted much lately because of work, and school, and life in general, but I want to post about a little journey I have been on for a while now.  On the Monday after Memorial Day last year (May 26, 2014, to be exact), I stepped on the scale and saw 191 lbs.  At 5 feet 1 inch tall, that's more than just obese, that's morbidly obese by any BMI calculator.  I was stuffing myself into size 16 pants and skirts. But more than the number, I looked in the mirror and I saw how truly unhappy I had become.  I was so tired of hating my body, hating clothes and clothes shopping, being embarrassed knowing that summer was here and I would spend the whole time trying to cover up...again.  I knew that the next step was shopping in the Plus Size section, something I swore I would never let happen.  I haven't worn shorts of any kind in TEN years!! After Ava was born I did get to my lowest weight since college, but then stopped living a healthy lifestyle and gained, and gained, and gained some more.  That picture of me on the left up there is from about 2 years ago--I remember I had bought that sweater when I started working at the library to try to hide...well, everything.  So one morning in May I woke up and I said, "Enough.  Today is the day."  I started counting calories.  I started exercising a few times a week.  It wasn't easy.  But the lbs started slowly coming off.  By the time summer was over I was down 25 lbs.  I kept slowly losing through the end of the year. I had set an initial goal to lose 60 lbs in 6 months and be at my goal weight of 131 by the end of the year.

I failed.

I didn't make my goal weight by New Year's.  I'm still not close.  As of this morning, I've lost 40.8 lbs so far, and that picture on the right is me a few weeks ago at 151 lbs.  At 5 feet 1 inch tall, that's just BARELY into the "overweight" portion of the BMI scale.  I feel like I have so far to go still.  It's taken me 8.5 months to lose 40 lbs...I'm not setting any records.  Chuck reached his goal weight a while ago and lost 48 lbs in less than 6 months, without any hard exercise.  Some days I really feel like I failed.  But I woke up this morning and I had a thought, "I can't fail unless I quit."  It turns out that Albert Einstein said something eerily similar (I'm a genius, obviously), "You never fail until you stop trying."  This isn't a race, I'm not trying to beat anyone. I'm just trying to get healthier for myself, for my kids, for my husband.  I'm not in competition with anyone except the person I was yesterday.  So I haven't failed after all, I just need to re-set my goals.

Today I started the YouTube BeFit in 30 challenge, which is a series of 4 different workouts a week for one month.  I am really excited to see my progress in the next 4 weeks, and I'm taking my measurements so even if the scale doesn't show progress, I'll be able to see how my body has changed.  I'm going to up my water intake and watch my carbs more closely, as I've been a lot more lenient lately and they seem to be the scale's #1 nemesis for me.  I'm still counting calories, which is a pain, but I've made it a habit I'll keep for life.  This time, there isn't any going back for me.

I've gone from a size 16 to a size 8 and dropped 40 lbs for good.  Definitely not a failure after all. :-)

Until next time,

Bea

A Day in the Life...Working Mom Edition

It's been a really, really long time since I've written a blog post.  It's been a long time since I've written anything outside of school work for my Master's program or storytime outlines at the library.  And I miss writing, badly, but when I do have down time these days, writing isn't at the top of my list.  Someday though, I'm going to get back to it because writing really is my first true love!

If you had asked me 5 years ago (when we closed on our house in GA and boxed up our lives and prepared to move to Ohio) what my life was going to be like in 2015, I might have had some guesses.  But I don't really know what I would have said!  I don't think I would have guessed that I would be working full-time and also in graduate school. One of the things I really like to do is read back through this blog and remember what life was like all those years ago when my kids were so little and I was home with them all day, every day.  I have absolutely NO idea what my day-to-day life is going to look like in 2020, so I decided to write "A Day in the Life" post about what a typical day in my life looks like right now. 

Having said "typical," none of my days are ever the same because my schedule is so weird and the kids have different activities and things are always changing, but here is what my day today is like.  This is a typical Thursday for me right now.  Maybe in 5 years, life will have slowed down a bit (though somehow I doubt it since I will have a 12 year old and an almost14 year old then! Yikes!).

6am--Alarm goes off and Chuck hops in the shower.  I worked out really hard yesterday, so today is a rest day (and I am sooo sore!), so I get an extra 30 minutes of sleep. Yay!  The scale isn't moving much lately, but I've been working out solidly 4 days a week, and my body is slowly but surely changing shape after losing 40 lbs in the past 8 months.
6:30am--Shower, throw the laundry in the washing machine.
7am--Wake the kids up, get them dressed, hair done, etc.  Get myself ready, make beds, and then head downstairs.
7:30am--Get breakfast ready, make lunches for the kids.  Swiffer the downstairs and dust the coffee table, end table, bookshelf, dining room table (yes, I am a nutso who dusts every single morning).  Vacuum the mud room.  Make sure the kids' backpacks, snowpants, and shoes are packed up.  Get Aiden's Valentine's Box ready and bag up the drinks for his class party (Ava already brought her Valentine's stuff in yesterday).  Put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and grad a yogurt and a granola bar to stash in my purse for later this morning.
8am--Make the marinade for the chicken for dinner, put the chicken in the fridge.  Chop mushrooms, peppers, and onions and cook them up quickly, then stick them in the fridge.  I'll finish making dinner at lunchtime--it's time to go!
8:30am--Drop off the kids at school, head into work at the library.
9am--Get everything ready for storytime: name tags set out, crafts assembled/prepped, etc. 
10-11:30am--Preschool/Kindergarten storytime then Music in Motion storytime.  I have a decent turnout for my first storytime, 26 total, and everyone has a great time passing out their Valentine's.  Kids spoil me with nail polish, lip gloss, and all sorts of chocolates and candy. I feel pretty lucky :-)
11:30-12:45pm--Work on prepping for next week's "Bears" storytime, clean up this morning's mess, put away name tags, help patrons, etc.
12:45pm-2pm--Lunch break.  Head home, let out the dog, eat a quick can of soup.  Broil the chicken for fajitas tonight.  Fold and put away the laundry.  Watch some of American Idol from last night while I do chores.  Slice up the chicken and stick it in the fridge.  Head back to work.
2pm-5:30pm--More misc. work at the library.  Help patrons, get ready for my Valentine's Day party on Saturday, start planning spring storytimes and making flannel boards.  I finish a 5 Little Ducks flannel board and a 5 Green and Speckled Frogs flannel board. Get ready for Valentine's Crafts which are this evening.  Make sure I have everything prepped for my Tween Mardi Gras program on Tuesday since the library is closed Monday for President's Day.  Start drafting the letters I send out to request donations for Summer Reading.  Lots of little misc. tasks today.
5:30pm--Head home.  Chuck has already picked up the kids from latchkey and they are home.  Ava has Daisy's at 6pm at the high school, so I have 15 minutes to eat dinner quickly (thank goodness for cooking it this morning and on my lunch break!), hear about the kids' Valentine's Day parties, and head out the door.
6pm--Drop Ava off at Daisy's, pay dues and get info on when cookie sales are done and how to finalize all of that.
6:15pm--Head home for a bit.  Hang out with Aiden, sort through the mail.  Log into Blackboard online to check to see if my assignment has been graded and if there are any accouncements.  Luckily, we only had a journal entry to do this week, and I have already completed it, which means nothing new until Sunday.  I have tomorrow off (and so do the kids) and I work Saturday. Sunday we are headed to Michigan for a quick trip to see my sister, the kids, Dave, and my mom and dad, then home again on Monday.  I'll probably spend most of the return trip completing the new readings for the week for my class.
7:30pm--Pick up Ava from Daisy's and head home.  The kids don't have school tomorrow, so they are allowed to stay up late, otherwise it would be straight to bed for them.
8pm--Get kids settled in the playroom watching Netflix with some popcorn, and finally sit down to relax.  Pour a glass of wine, pop some popcorn for myself, and watch tv for a while with Chuck.
10pm--Put kids to bed and head to bed ourselves.  The kids and I are off tomorrow--maybe I will get to sleep in for a bit or just enjoy my morning coffee in some peace and quiet and hang out in my bathrobe for a while. 

Well, there you have it, a day in my life.  Today, to be exact.  Not earth-shatteringly exciting.  Not as busy as I imagine some people's lives are, but a lot busier than my life was 5 years ago.  As a working mom who is also going to school, I feel a lot of pressure to make sure I'm organized and I plan accordingly.  I promised myself when I took all of this on that cooking homemade, healthy meals for my family would remain a priority, and it's probably my biggest challenge.  Dinners aren't fancy, but there's always a healthy protein and lots of vegetables.  We do go out to eat one night a week, but it's really important to me to eat dinner as a family at home whenever we can, so I take the time in the morning and on my lunch break to get as much prep and cooking done as I can.  I'm not perfect...but I feel like I'm trying my best, and really that's all I can do right now.  Chuck is a big help, picking the kids up most nights, sorting through school papers, helping with homework, doing the dinner dishes every night.  I don't know how this would work without him, he really is amazing and I feel so lucky to have him and his support.  Some weeks with my school work are worse than others and I definitely have learned to relish the down times and make the most of the slow weeks without a lot of work!

Well, that's it in a nutshell.  A day in my life right now, in 2015.  A crazy, sometimes exhausting life that I have to remind myself I love.  I have a great job, I have an amazing family who loves me, a beautiful house, a few good friends, a wonderful husband.  Life is good, even if some days it feels a little overwhelming.