The Weight of Resolutions

On January 1st, 2010, I watched my husband drive away with all of his clothes and a few of his possessions to live in Ohio without us, until we could sell our house in GA. I was depressed, trying to keep a positive outlook, but knowing that it could take months, if not longer, to sell our house and be able to move to Ohio. I made a resolution that day, for the new year, to lose 30 lbs in 2010. I wanted to be healthier, more active, eat better, and most importantly feel better about myself.

I did not succeed.

As of this morning, I weigh TWO lbs less than I did a year ago. Over the course of the year I did lose 10-15 lbs a few times, and then slowly gained it back again. The typical yo-yo dieter--that's me. The only weight loss "program" I've ever had success on is low-carb, because of my insulin resistance and PCOS, counting calories has never worked for me. We joined the YMCA 2 months ago and I'm actually up 5 lbs from when we joined. Not so successful...though I think everyone has a hard time losing weight between Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

My husband, ever one to look on the bright side of things (and for that, I truly love him, he buoys me when I feel like sinking, every time) pointed out that at least I didn't gain any weight this year...and he is right. It is a small victory, and one not to be overlooked in an otherwise very successful year. Because with the stresses of living alone with my kids for 3 months, selling a house, moving 900 miles, buying a house, moving in, and then getting settled and starting our lives over, I suppose I could have easily eaten my anxiety away. But I didn't. I could still get on the treadmill today and run 3 miles (though I didn't...I'll admit that I had leftover pie for breakfast, not my finest moment but no one else was going to jump on that bomb;)

This week is the last of 2010. Next year I will have a 3-yr-old and a soon-to-be-5-yr-old. I will turn 31 years old. My husband will turn 37 (yikes--when did we get so old?). I have new resolutions to make and to keep that will have nothing to do with a number on the scale and everything to do with liking myself a little bit more and hating what I see a little bit less. Because, really, what's in a number?

PS--Did you know that if you Google, "How much does..." the automatic search fill-in is, "How much does Snooki weigh?" That makes me sad:( Granted, the girl shouldn't go around telling everyone she weighs 90 lbs when she clearly doesn't, but she is 4'11" and having your weight so publicly scrutinized must be terrible. I wish society would stop putting so much weight (pun intended) on weight. I hate to think of my little girl growing up hating herself because of a number on the scale...

Christmas break!

Aiden had his Christmas Program this morning at preschool. He did so great:) He was so cute and really proud of himself, and he really tried hard to sing all of the songs and do all of the actions. We were proud parents!

Chuck did take a lot of video of the program, but I need to get it uploaded and edited. Here are some pictures I took of the kids before we left for school. No bribing even--can you believe it? They were so excited to wear their new Christmas clothes, lol.

No school for 2.5 weeks--I'm glad we have the Y to occupy us and I am really looking forward to Chuck's birthday this weekend, and then Christmas, and then Chuck is taking a week off work and of course then my little Avie turns 3 on New Year's Eve! Exciting December for the Bailey household!

Once upon a winter...

My last post was all rainbows and smiles and sugar plums. Consider this a fair warning: this will not be one of those posts.

We only lived in GA for 4.5 years. Which means I've lived through 24 winters before we moved, yet somehow I completely forgot about what comes after that first snow. This picture above isn't really from Painesville, it's just symbolic of what all the parking lots look like right now. Aiden can't get over it, he keeps asking me why everything is so dirty and slushy and muddy and gross, lol.

I had also completely forgotten about the salt. Oh the salt. The never-ending salty residue that now lives on every pair of pants I own and is eating away at my new faux-suede boots (in retrospect, a terrible buy). I feel like I can almost taste it in the air, and it's dirty and gritty and just...not my favorite part of winter, lol.

Aiden told me today, when it was particularly windy and particularly cold, "Mom, this winter business is rough!" Somehow, I had blocked it out of my mind. I was glorifying the prettiness of the snow and the fun of winter sports and completely blocked out scraping my windshield and having dirty, salty clothes all winter and forgoing any sense of style in order to just plain stay warm.

But still, I think we do get our reward here. Midwestern summers are something of dreams, where the sun sinks low in the comfortable air with the fireflies darting all around. That is something that I couldn't get over missing when we lived in the south. And while right now I might not be loving winter, it sure does make it feel like Christmas. :)

Do you believe in magic?

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.
~Laura Ingalls Wilder

There is something so utterly magical about getting to experience Christmas once you have children of your own. It brings back all of your own happy childhood Christmas memories, but in a whole new light. I see the way my kids eyes light up instantly when they talk about Santa, when they prance around our lit-up Christmas tree, when we make a Christmas craft or read a Christmas book. I can feel the magic there--I can remember believing in something that didn't make any sense just because believing was the best feeling in the whole world.

Most people don't know this, but I believed in Santa for a long time. Far, far longer than I should have. When my sister and I finally staged a scheme to out the Tooth Fairy (aka: we stayed up all night to catch my mom in the act, lol), and the truth came out about Santa and the Easter Bunny, well, if I'm remembering right we were nearly 12 years old. Yes--TWELVE. I remember running to tell my best friend the news and her saying to me, "Yeah, I know. We've all known for a long time, we just didn't want to tell you guys. You just kept believing in him for so long!" Come to find out that even her youngest brother who was probably 5 at the time knew that the big guy in the red suit was a fairytale. But mostly I remember how every Christmas after that just sort of lost its luster. The magic, for me, was gone.

But this year? It's back. The magic has returned in all of its glory and it's making me feel like a kid again. I have two wonderful children who are finally both old enough to relish this magic, this wonder, this excitement. Children who want the tree lit from dawn until bedtime, who love doing crafts and singing Christmas songs and, of course, talking about their lists! Children who are learning the true meaning of Christmas, the joy in giving to others (although I really might go broke this season as both kids INSIST on donating something to every Salvation Army bucket we see, lol), and celebrating the birthday of Jesus. While this particular aspect of Christmas is not something that I personally believe in any more, I am definitely teaching it to them--they have a right to know the Christmas story and decide for themselves one day if they believe it in their hearts to be true.

One thing is for certain, whatever you celebrate this holiday season, be it Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa (or Festivus! A Festivus for the rest of us! lol), make it magical. I hope your heart is filled with the spirit of the season, the warmth of family, the joy of giving, and the miracle of life. I wish you blessings so many that you can't possibly count them all. I know I definitely can't even begin to count mine. :)

PS--We were listening to Christmas music in the car the other day and an instrumental version of "Oh Holy Night" came on and Aiden said, "Mom, this song just makes my heart feel so big, like it can't get any bigger or it might burst!" I know the feeling kid, I know the feeling:)

Happy Thanksgiving!

My baby Avie is sick. Probably the most sick she's ever been in her almost-3-years, and it is pitiful. This is probably not going to go down in Bailey history as the "best Thanksgiving ever," but that's ok. It's all part of the journey, and we still have much to be thankful for this year.

I am so thankful for my little family: my sweet, wonderful boy, my adorable baby girl, my amazing husband. We're lucky to live so close to Chuck's family and be able to see them often. I'm thankful for a year full of blessings, we sold a house, we bought a house, we moved across the country. We've settled in, we're making new friends, and enjoying making new memories with old friends as well. Aiden loves his new school, and is learning how to write (and hopefully soon read!). I'm thankful to have my sister back in my life.

I sincerely hope you all have an amazing Thanksgiving. I will be cooking and taking care of my sick little girl. But it makes me all that more thankful that I have people who need me to take care of them.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Barbara

Happiness is...

A night of reflection when we gain an hour to ourselves in the utter stillness...so rare and yet so precious:)

Happiness is:

* the first November snowfall after 5 mild winters and insufferable summers. It didn't quite stick, but I felt that same pure excitement that I felt as a child when we would all gather at the window and marvel at the giant flakes falling on the lawn. There is something contagious and almost holy about the season's first snow--and even if I will be resenting it come January, today it was true bliss:)

* my 2-year-old's original song "I love you" belted from the top of her lungs in the YMCA pool tonight. "I love Mommy, I love Daddy, I love Aiden, I love everybody, and I LOVE YOU!" She can be the sweetest child you have ever met, so full of love and hugs and kisses, and she fills me up:)

* Seeing my firstborn so very proud of himself. In just one week at the Y, he has taught himself how to float on his back in the pool, swim underwater with his eyes open, and jump off the edge in the deep end and swim to the ladder. He has a non-stop smile in the water and I've never ever seen him more proud of himself. He is born to be a swimmer and I intend to encourage it as long as it makes him happy. He so rarely accepts compliments (a little something from his mama, I'm afraid) but he is all too happy to declare, "I am a GREAT swimmer, Mom!" Indeed, my little man. Indeed:)

* Taking care of my body without feeling guilty. Since my children were born, working out meant either waiting until they were sleeping (and thus never finding the energy!) or sacrificing time with them to exercise while they were awake, and they were usually not happy about it. Joining the Y has made taking care of myself AND my children possible. They absolutely LOVE the childcare and I get to exercise for an hour by myself. Could it be any better? I don't think so!

* An amazing husband. We have our trials and tribulations, like any couple does. But my husband loves me, and he shows it in the little things he does for me, day in and day out. We struggle at times, but at the end of every day he is there for me, he is a fantastic father, and I couldn't have created a better partner for myself. Lucky doesn't do it justice. He's everything to me:)

I can almost always find the things that went "wrong" in my day, but I so very rarely take the time to appreciate what went right. I think luck has so much more to do with it than most people know, and I know that I am lucky. Happiness is smiling, loving children, a terrific husband, and a fulfilled life. I search sometimes for more meaning in what is already a very meaningful existence. Tonight I just wanted to use my manners and say...thank you. My life is good. And I am happy:)

DIY: Jumpstart on Christmas!

So we joined the local YMCA last week and have been going during what used to be "nap time," seeing as how Miss Ava decided that she's all done with naps. I LOVE the Y, it is fantastic for the kids and I get a great workout and some time by myself. What more could I ask for? But since we've been going every day since we joined, I've done almost NO craft projects around the house! Well, I got myself into gear and finished this fun and easy Ornament Wreath this morning. This is an idea from My Backyard Eden, one of my favorite crafting/DIY blogs. It's been done and re-done and there are so many fabulous wreaths out there! I decided to go very simple with a red and silver wreath, and I still need a bow to hide the hanger at the top, but as it turns out, I can't make a bow to save my life! The next thing on my DIY list, for sure, lol.

I've also been crocheting Christmas presents! I've been making these fabulous rope infinity scarves with flower brooches, and I love them. I've made a few long, so they can be work almost like necklaces or doubled over to be very cozy, and I've made a few short,thicker, cowl-like scarves as well. I need to make another trip to the yarn store soon! I'm also working on a new design for a flower scarf, I'll post it once I finish one!

Happy crafting! And go make the ornament wreath, it's so easy! I used $8 in ornaments (eight tubes for $1 each from Target) and an old wire hanger. That's it!

Halloween Roundup: picture post

This is mostly a picture post, so I'll make it brief! A few of these are probably repeats, but I figured I'd toss in all of the "Halloween" pictures I have. I am such a bad mom, I only got TWO pictures of the kids in their costumes! They sat with their friends for a group photo on Halloween night before we left to go trick or treating, but none of mine turned out. Oh well.

The kids had a great time on Halloween. Ava was Jessie (from Toy Story 2 and 3) and Aiden was the Red Power Ranger. We went trick or treating with friends and despite the coooold weather, the kids had a fantastic time. I am having a hard time accepting that it is November already, lol.

Crochet!

I've been wanting to learn how to crochet for...forever, it seems! I finally decided to teach myself from books and youtube tutorials, and I LOVE it! It's so easy once you know the stitches and it's very relaxing. I'm excited to start some bigger projects, but these are my first two projects. Ava is modeling my very first scarf--a simple single crochet scarf. Next I made a neck/ear warmer that can be worn two ways: around the neck as a neck warmer, or on the head as an ear warmer. I made a cute crochet flower and attached it to it also. I like how it turned out!

My Dirty Little Secret

In light of my friend Carolyn's Momcenter blog post today, and this sister post about dirty houses, I decided to "come clean," so to speak, on my blog and admit something that some of you might know, but a lot of you probably don't.

I am a complete neat-freak.

Not a clean freak, as in germs make me crazy or anything like that, but a NEAT freak. An "everything-must-be-in-its-proper-place-or-I-will-likely-develop-a-nervous-twitch" freak.

Like most people with a strange tendency, mine manifests itself in a compulsive need for order and cleanliness, a desire for every possession I own to have a place and a need for nothing to be OUT of place. Strangely, though, I really only care about the OUTWARD appearance of things, such as everything in a room needs to be put away, but not caring at all about the actual order of items once they are inside a closet or a drawer. Subsequently, my house appears to the casual observer to nearly always be freakishly "clean," but if you actually opened my drawers or closets you would likely find things to be unfolded, balled up, in a heap together or even just lying in a pile on the floor. Yet outwardly, all the beds in the house are made, the kitchen counters are wiped clean, the dishes are put away, the couch pillows are fluffed, the floors are vacuumed, etc. It is an odd behavior that only seems to be getting worse with time, and having children compounds it.

Watching shows like "Hoarders" on TLC literally makes my skin crawl. Not because I am judging these people by the way they live, but because I literally lack the ability to comprehend how they could exist in an environment so cluttered and chaotic. I wrestle internally with the compulsion to simply follow my children from room to room, picking up after them the entire day. I don't want to be this way, I think about how much more enjoyable my life would be if I could successfully suppress the constant urge to "tidy things up," but at the same time I have absolutely no idea how to break a habit that is so rooted in my life, my upbringing. It is, admittedly, a daily struggle.

But posts like Carolyn's DO make me stop and think. I am wasting valuable time with my children by spending so much time cleaning, and more importantly...I do not want this life for them. I want them to be able to pick up the tv remote, then put it back in a completely different spot and not think twice about it. So I am trying. I am learning to relax my standards for their benefit. For the most part I only clean up the playroom every few days or so (even when being in there makes my hands itch to put things away). I try to save the majority of my wiping and sweeping and vacuuming for first thing in the morning or while they are resting. It doesn't always happen, sometimes my tendencies still get the better of me, but I am making a conscious effort. Baby steps, right?

"A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." ~Anonymous. Maybe not necessarily words to live by...but definitely some food for thought.

Picture post

I haven't done a picture post in a while, so here is what we've been up to the past week or so. You'll notice immediately that nearly ALL of these pictures are of Ava. I promise it's not me being partial, but Aiden just doesn't want his picture taken much these days. :(

Aiden is home sick from school AGAIN today. Please send some well wishes his way. He's a very grumpy sickie, lol, he definitely gets this from his mama.