A New New Year's Resolution

So...it's been a while. Again. I would spout out another apology about how I mean to blog more but never have the time, yadda yadda yadda...but it wouldn't be sincere. The truth is that I DO have time to blog, but I'm uninspired these days. Life is chugging along. Winter is in full swing--in fact we are in the middle of the coldest week that the country has seen in decades. It is currently a whopping -11 degrees here in Painesville. Yes, NEGATIVE 11 degrees, with windchills sitting around 35 below zero. So, it's a tad chilly. Understatement of the year.

It's no secret that I loathe winter. I despise the cold, the snow, being stuck in the house for days. It feels like a prison to me, and I long for the warmth of summer, the long days and short nights, the waves lapping on the sandy shore. I miss Lake Erie more than I ever thought I could miss a body of water. I haven't been since the fall because I know that it would just depress me even further to see the great gray bleakness, the never ending ice. Blah.

With all that being said, Christmas has come and gone, and it was wonderful. We were so fortunate this year to be able to have a generous Christmas, and the kids were delighted with Santa's gifts. We even surprised the kids a few weeks before Christmas and went to Splash Lagoon in Erie, PA, for a night. It was a really fun trip--both kids loved all of the water slides and had an absolute blast. After Christmas, Ava turned 6! I can't believe my little baby is so big now. She had a really fun party at Pat Catan's craft store with 6 of her friends. They painted jewelry boxes, had cake and snacks, opened presents (of course!) and played a few games. It was the first time in years (since Aiden turned 4 in GA and the weather was nice enough to do an outdoor party!) that we've had a birthday party away from home and it was so nice not to have to clean the house before and after the party! Always a perk for me :-)

Now the New Year is in full swing. 2014. Once again I'm faced with the task of making resolutions that I NEVER seem to actually keep (8th year in a row that I did NOT lose 30 pounds...shocker). So, in the face of a new chapter in my 33 chapter book, I decided to make a new resolution this year. A resolution that I can actually stick to, a resolution that will really make me a better mother, wife, friend, and person overall. It goes a little something like this:

Stop Feeling Guilty

My inner-monologue is hands down the meanest bitch I've ever met. Seriously. She berates me, constantly, for taking any spare minute of time for myself. She is berating me this very instant, in fact, because I am sitting at the computer writing on my blog and letting the kids play Disney Infinity...AGAIN. But you know what? This is the year that I tell that crazy conscience of mine to take a hike. She's been dragging me down for too long now. She makes me feel weak, and powerless, and she is constantly telling me horrible things like, "You're fat and ugly," "You're a terrible friend," and "You're the worst mother in the world!" It's got to stop. I can't keep being my own worst enemy all the time. I need to allow myself the simple pleasures of enjoying life and reveling in my down time, particularly because my actual "free time" is about to be severely compromised by Graduate School (6 days and counting...yikes). I need to be able to take time to exercise without feeling like I "should" be doing something more worthwhile. Cleaning can wait, and I don't need to spend every minute with my children trying to be the "best mom ever." Chances are that when my kids look back on their childhoods they won't remember me "neglecting" them by taking 45 minutes to exercise or to sit on the couch to read a book. Hopefully it will help instill in them the notion that taking time to take care of yourself mentally and physically should be a priority no matter what age you are.

This year, I vow to BE MORE HAPPY. Relish the sun on my face, the wind at my back, the moments when I'm not actually accomplishing anything except being present in that moment. The older I get, the more I am beginning to realize that not every minute of every day needs to be a productive minute. The laundry is ALWAYS going to be there in some capacity. Dishes will always need done, carpets will always need vacuumed, tables will always need dusted. But my children are growing older each day, and I owe it to them to be more joyful and present in their lives. I need to stop beating myself up for not being "perfect." There isn't any such thing! I need to stop looking in the mirror and saying such terrible, horrible things to myself. I would never be friends with someone who told me I looked disgusting, would I? Absolutely not. So, why do I say those things to myself? My body isn't perfect, it isn't nice to look at or taut and toned, but it is a healthy body. It can give great hugs, climb stairs, walk the beach. It can pick up my daughter if she falls and scrapes her knee. It can bend over to tuck my son into bed. My body is useful, capable, sturdy and strong. My body grew 2 amazing children INSIDE of it! That's something to be proud of, to feel honored by, instead of constantly feeling ugly and disgusting.

Hating myself is getting to be so exhausting. Truly. So, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop feeling so guilty all the time, I'm going to take more time for myself this year, to do the things that I enjoy and make me happy. Because when I'm happy, I'm a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter. When I take the time to do the things that matter to me (as inconsequential as they may seem to any one else), my spirit thrives, and it shows.

Less guilt in 2014. More time relishing moments. More time basking in joy. Less time stressing about the floors, clothes, dishes and dust. More time giving hugs. Less time worrying. More time reading, singing, laughing and playing.

I think I've finally made a resolution worth keeping. Here's to 2014, may it be the best chapter yet :-)

Fine...

I almost drowned once. It was the summer of 1999, I believe (funny to think there was a time I couldn't imagine not remembering the specific whens and hows of my life and now it all just blends together into the great "Time Before" when I wasn't quite a child any more but I still wasn't an adult). During a weekend off at Camp Eberhart, a large group of fellow counselors took a trip to the Sleeping Bear Dunes on Lake Michigan. The water was rough that day, the winds strong, and the waves fierce and high. We were all swimming and splashing and having a grand time at a bit of a sand bar quite a ways from the shore, and somehow I got mixed around in the waves and lost my footing. I remember paddling and paddling, choking and gasping for air as I broke through the surface, but then immediately getting pulled back under the current in the smacking of the waves and the whipping of the wind. I felt quite certain that I was about to drown; I simply couldn't hold my breath any more and I had a moment of complete clarity that this must be how it all ends right before everything started to go black. And then suddenly, miraculously, a friend grabbed my arm, pulled me up and back onto the sandbar, which was only a few mere feet away. I sputtered and heaved for a moment, and then pretended that everything was fine, I hadn't in fact almost died, I was fine. I was fine. "I'm fine." The words rolled so easily off my tongue, the simplest of lies when in fact I was anything but. And the sandbar had been, that whole time, just a few feet to the left.

 

I am so trained to do this, to automatically say "I am fine," even if it seems that the world is crumbling at my feet. I am fine. But am I? Right now I am paddling and paddling through this life feeling like I am always just barely staying afloat. And everyone else makes it look so easy. Somehow I have lost sight of my sandbar, lost my footing, slipped a little bit too far where the current is strong and the wind is fierce and the waves are huge. Am I drowning? I can't even tell.

 

It has been a rough week, for no particular reason other than the kids are back to school and I am once again trying to balance motherhood and work and homework and school lunches and paperwork and laundry and dishes and mopping and vacuuming and a million other things that are taking precedence over just being happy. I have a good life, I know this. I have beautiful, smart, well-behaved, happy children. I have a supportive, loving, attentive husband who does his best to really try to pitch in and help me however he can. I have a wonderful sister who listens to me complain and reminds me that the way I am feeling is normal. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. I just wish it was all easier, or I didn't make it so hard, or some combination of the two. None of this has to be so difficult, so why do I put so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly? It doesn't matter in the long run. I'm terrified that some day I will look back on these years and wonder why I didn't enjoy them more. There is so very much to enjoy.

 

We are lucky to have a long 3-day weekend, so I'm going to swim a little to the left and try to find that sandbar again. Until next time, here are some back-to-school pictures of my littles. They are doing well and love their teachers and their classrooms. Ava loves Kindergarten and is working on learning to read. Aiden made some new friends in his class and has had a very easy transition to second grade. All is well.

 

 

 



Today

There is an old John Denver song called "Today" that we used to sing around raging campfires on Closing Ceremony nights at Camp Eberhart. I've loved the song since the first time I heard it, sung off-key by a group of teary-eyed senior girls, with great despair at not having another week to spend together. But the older I get, the more meaning it seems to have in my life. If you're not familiar with it, here are some of my favorite lyrics from the song:

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I’ll taste your strawberries, I’ll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
‘Ere I forget all the joy that is mine, today.

I can’t be contented with yesterday’s glory
I can’t live on promises winter to spring
Today is my moment, now is my story
I’ll laugh and I’ll cry and I’ll sing.

It is a beautiful song that is easy to sing, and it was always dear to my heart at camp when summer's glory was high and we had but a few weeks to make memories that would last a lifetime. Now, many years later, I'm in a season of my life where the song once again seems meaningful and appropriate and I can't humming it to myself as I cook dinner or drive in the car.

You see, as much as I hate to jinx myself, things are going really well for our family right now. We all seem to be doing better than we have in a long while, in nearly every aspect. The kids are healthy, active and social. They are bright children who love playing outdoors, spending time with friends, and just being silly. Aiden is excelling at reading and math. Ava is learning to read with little trouble, and I think she is more than ready to start kindergarten in the fall. They can entertain themselves for long periods of time and as far as the responsibility of "care-giving" goes in the parenting department, it feels like one of the easier periods that I've gone through with them. Chuck is doing great at work, taking on more responsibility and proving himself to his boss. His feet are feeling a bit better thanks to cortisone shots, a strecthing brace to wear at night, and custom orthodics. He hasn't complained of knee pain in a while, so I'm going to assume that's fine as well, lol. He is a great dad who puts his family first and handles my irregular work schedule with ease. He is so supportive of me going back to work and he always makes sure he takes the time to tell me how much he appreciates what I do around the house. I feel like our marriage is nearly effortless right now (which is a good thing!), and he really is my best friend.

As for me, life right now is pretty much perfect. Aside from the extra weight that I can't seem to shake because I can't seem to eat right...EVER, lol, and lingering back pain that comes and goes, things are going really well. Work is busy, but I really enjoy it and I've found that having a job again and contributing to our household income has really done a lot for my self esteem. It makes me feel good to know that I can make money for our family, and also that I have an important job in the community. It's not to say I was unhappy working at the Y, but comparitively...well, there is no comparison,lol. I've also made a lot of new friends this year between the kids' new school and my job. I feel really lucky to have met so many great families at school that I get along with so well. In fact, right now I'm really missing my daily social inreraction at school pick-up, lol. Summer is in swing and we are signed up at the Outdoor Y, so I am looking forward to a lot of pool time with the kids if the weather would just cooperate! We have a few mini trips planned this summer that I'm looking forward to as well. Life is just good, plain and simple.

I'm no fool. Well, not most of the time anyway:-) I know it won't always be this way. I know that at any minute, something could happen to disrupt this happy medium we have going. Life isn't something to take for granted, and I'm just feeling really thankful and lucky lately to have a life that as a child I only dreamed about. I never thought that at 32 I would have a beautiful home, a car that is paid for, a job that I love, 2 amazing children, a loyal husband and amazing friends all at the same time. It's humbling and I am so grateful. And I've found in life that sometimes stopping to appreciate what you have is just as important as living it all.

A million tomorrows shall all pass away, ere I forget all the joy that is mine, today.

Almost Summer...

As seems to be typical of me lately, it's been a few months since I blogged. It seems the older my kids get, the busier we are with sports, school activities and obligations, and fun things to do (no complaining here!). Add in our busy work schedules and it leaves little time for much else. I miss blogging, and I love doing it, but admittedly some days when it comes down to sitting by myself with a cup of coffee for 15 minutes or blogging...well, coffee wins, lol.

But things in Painesville, Ohio, are going really well for the Bailey family. I will give a little update on each of us, since it has been so long!

Ava is just about finished with her last year of preschool, 4K, at St. Paul's. Tuesday is her closing program. I feel like the year went by so fast! We were really lucky this year to make some AWESOME new friends (her friend Jaylyn's mom is actually the one who watches Ava on Fridays for me, and she has been such a lifesaver!). I'm sad that they won't be at Madison Ave. next year with us, but I know we will keep in touch regardless. Ava is playing soccer at the Outdoor Y this spring and loving it as much as she did in the fall. She's pretty good at kicking when she is actually paying attention and not posing for a photo opp, lol. At home, Ava is practicing writing her alphabet and numbers and learning her sight words to get ready for Kindergarten in the fall. She is up to about 65 sight words now and doing great! We've sort of taken a break from it for a few weeks now, but we will definitely pick back up with summer bridge workbooks soon. Both kids are looking forward to the Summer Reading Club at the library again this summer, but more on that in the update about me.

Aiden is doing really well in school and feeling a little anxious about the summer coming because he doesn't want to lose touch with the friends he's made this year! I've reassured him that we will see them a lot at the pool and out and about, and he can have friends over to play any time he wants. He is doing awesome at school this year, reading at a 3rd grade level and has moved on to multiplication and fractions in his math work. He has gotten 100% on all of the advanced spelling tests for the year, which is amazing and I am so proud of him. A lot of the time he complains about being bored in school (Chuck assures me that he was the same way--not me though! I loved school and don't ever remember being bored!), so we will see how he adjusts to the beginning of the school year in the fall and then possibly talk to his teacher about getting him into some of the more advanced classes, particularly for math as that seems to be his strong suit. He was one of only 2 kids in his class picked to participate in the Read-About program, which is a computer-based reading comprehension program typically for 3rd grade and above. He's struggled with it in some aspects (mainly non-fiction comprehension in subjects that he isn't particularly interested in), but if it is a subject that he in into, he dives right in! I'm very proud of everything he's accomoplished this year, and I know that 2nd grade will have good things in store as well. Aiden is also playing spring soccer at the Outdoor Y, and he's improving a lot. His main trouble is that he wants to be great but doesn't seem to have the motivation to actually practice much, and I keep trying to remind him that practicing is the only way to improve your skills! A catch 22, lol. But he enjoys it and has fun for the most part, which is really all that matters at this age anyway.

Chuck has been busy this week with a home improvement project...he installed a patio in our backyard! He had some help digging from his nephew and another nephew helped him lay the limestone--I know he greatly appreciated both of them! But other than that, he did ALL the work himself, and it was a LOT of work! We decided to put in a patio because we are getting a hot tub next week! Initially we had discussed just pouring a cement pad for it, but then decided that a patio would look nicer and expand our outdoor living space as well. We shopped around a bit for hot tubs and even went to wet-test a few models at Ohio Pools and Spas to get a better idea of what we wanted. After leaving behind our old hot tub in GA, we've missed it greatly. Hot tubs are definitely NOT inexpensive, so this wasa HUGE decision financially, but in the end we decided it would be worth a few years of no vacations to spend the money and enjoy it for many years to come. We decided on the Vanguard model from the High Life collection of HotSprings hot tubs. It doesn't have a lounger seat, like our old hot tub did, which is great because it always felt like wasted space. It also has a larger bench seat (or cooling seat, as it gets your chest up out of the water), which will be great for the kids and I will likely use a lot also, as I tend to like to elevate myself a bit more out of the water. Chuck liked this model because it has the exclusive moto-massage jets in 2 of the seats. The water sweeps up and down your back like a shiatsu massage would. Pretty amazing! Here is the link to the tub, we went with the champagne opal shell and espresso cabinetry to offset the lighter brown of the deck and patio. http://www.hotspring.com/shop-hot-tub-models/highlife/vanguard. It is getting installed this Wednesday and we are pretty excited about it! As for other news with Chuck, his new job is going really well. He seemed to jump right in and get the hang of things, and he has some good people on his team that need some molding and coaching, but he is definitely the right person for the job!

Wow, this is turning into a long-winded post! I'm rarely brief when it comes to words, lol. Well, as for me, things are going pretty well. I'm actually recovering from a kidney infection that I came down with last weekend. Pretty terrible, let me tell you, but I'm on some strong antibiotics and my Dr. gave me some strong pain medication which has helped. I'm still having some issues and pain, but hopefully it will resolve itself soon. I am NOT looking forward to that ever happening again! As for work, it is chugging along :-) I am still really loving the job itself, though the hours leave something to be desired. I didn't realize how EXHAUSTED I would be after running the kids to and from school several times a day, cooking, cleaning, doing chores and running errands and THEN going to work till 9pm. Mondays and Tuesdays I'm totally beat. Wednesdays this summer will actually be much better, because currently I work from 9am-1pm and then head straight to school to help out in the library and in Aiden's classroom until school is out. In the summer, I will be done at 1pm and we have a babysitter coming to the house to watch the kids, so once I take her home the rest of the day can be spent playing at the pool, beach or park. Thursdays are my day "off" but of course are usually spent grocery shopping, cooking and prepping for dinner and other days, and Ava usually has a friend over in the afternoons. But I'm not complaining, really. For a part-time job, the pay is decent, the benefits are great, and I love my boss and co-workers. Story times are going really well (I even got a gift card from one of my families for teacher-appreciation week, which was so sweet and made me feel so special!) and I feel like I am a great asset to the library. Summer Reading Club is coming up, and I know that it will be a VERY busy summer, so I am prepping everything for my summer storytimes now so that I won't feel rushed or overwhelmed when things pick back up in a few weeks!

That is pretty much the lowdown on the Bailey Clan :-) We are looking forward to a fun summer, if different than past summers because I am working and Chuck isn't working from home any more. We will still make it work and have a blast. And we will have our new backyard oasis to enjoy if we get stressed out! It's going to be worth it, I think :-) Until next time...

March Happenings...

Is it really already nearing the end of March? It seems like just a few short weeks ago we were heading home from MI after meeting Abby. Time goes at warp speed these days I think! The "Daily Bailey" has turned into something more resembling the "Quarterly Bailey" but I'm happy to update when I can.

As for the Bailey family and how the new year has been treating us, life is good! Chuck's new job as a supervisor in pricing is keeping him busy. He just hired a new person to take over Illinois, and I know he is excited about that. He has a sinus infection at the moment and got some antibiotics today, so hopefully that goes away soon :-( After another round of cortisone shots to his heels for his plantar fascitiis, his feet are feeling a bit better (though not 100%).

My new job at the library is going really well! I made it through my first 8 week session of story times unscathed:-) I have a lot of fun at work and it really is the perfect job for me. I get to see so many of the people I know from school, preschool and the Y, so it is a fairly social job (which fits my personality) and I also have a lot of independence at work to plan my story times the way I like and do my own crafts, felt boards, etc. It's been a bit hectic lately because our head librarian is out on sick leave, but we are managing and the extra pay for the extra hours has been nice!

Aiden had his 7th birthday party last weekend! He invited 6 friends from school and had a Pokemon themed party. They had a Skylanders tournament, played "pin the pokeball", had cake, ice cream and snacks, and just hung out. It was a nice party and I think he really enjoyed it. I am proud of him for wanting a party and glad that everyone he invited was able to attend, it really made him happy! His actual birthday is this Saturday (the 23rd) but I am working all day, so we had the party a week early. Aiden is doing really well in school, reading at a 3rd grade level and also excelling in math. He's gotten 100% on every spelling test so far this year and graduated to the "advanced" spelling lists of 12 words instead of 7. It's been a challenge finding reading material that is age-appropriate since his skill level is so high, but luckily his mom is a librarian and has pretty unlimited resources, so we're managing, lol. I think he's looking forward to Spring Break in a few weeks just to have a bit of a break from school. We're not going anywhere on vacation because I'm not able to take any time off until August (I know...crazy), but I am definitely planning on taking the kids to the Science Center and maybe the Zoo if it is nice out. We should have a few fun days in there despite me working, and Chuck is taking a few days off to help out also.

I don't have too much to report on Ava. She is her same sassy self, lol. She's learning to read now and doing very well--she has 50 sight words memorized now out of the Dolch 300, which is a great start! It's seeming to come very naturally for her, which is wonderful. I know how frustrating it can be for some beginner readers, but she's picking up on it very easily and she is eager to learn, so that is a great combination. She is very good at doing puzzles and loves to color, draw and write. She's ready for Kindergarten and when we registered her a few weeks ago for next year, she was extremely disappointed to learn that it didn't start immediately, lol. As for myself, I am very ready to have both of my kids going to the same school! And be done paying for preschool also, an added bonus!

That sums it all up for now. I'm hoping for some warmer temps and for spring to actually get here soon, it is FREEZING today! Looks like the Groundhog missed the mark this year!