Changes

Every time I blog, I can't believe how long it has been since my last blog post. Life has definitely changed a lot for the Bailey family since my last post in March of this year!  It would take pages and pages to write about everything that has gone on, so I will go ahead with a major highlight reel and leave it at that :-)

1)  I received a big promotion at the library and took over last week as the full-time Children's Librarian.  I know, crazy.  It was definitely not something that I had planned on this year, but it is a huge opportunity for me and I accepted the position with equal parts trepidation and joy.  We are all still working out the kinks, for sure, and it has been a bit of a tough transition for the kids: going back to school (Ava now all day in 1st grade) and going to latchkey every day.  It's not ideal, but it's going to work, and that's more than I could hope for at this point, lol.  I'm only on my third class for my Master's program, so I have a lot of long years of work ahead of me, but already having the job that I was hoping to get in 4 years is such a relief, and I'm really proud that they hired me knowing how passionate I am for my work.  I'm admittedly feeling overwhelmed this week with the pressure of doing it ALL, but I keep reminding myself to worry about the things that I can control today and try not to look too far into the future.  It isn't worth the anxiety (and repeat). 

2) Aiden is in third grade now and Ava is in first!  She's finally going to school all day with the big kids:-)  School is from 8:45AM until 3:15PM and with my new schedule they will go to latchkey pretty much every day, some days longer than others (for instance I picked them up today at 4:20, headed home for a quick dinner/homework, and then I came back to work until 9PM tonight).  With my new schedule I now have 2 Fridays off a month though which is awesome for catching up on grad school work and having some extra time with the kids after school.  So far, both kids are doing awesome in their classes and love their teachers and their friends.  I feel so fortunate that we love our school as much as we do--it's a wonderful community of caring, kind teachers and parents who understand the importance of being involved.  

3)  I'm going to be an aunt again!! My twin sister is pregnant again and due in less than 2 months, October 23rd.  It is a boy and he will be named Andrew and we are over the moon excited about him.  My little niece Abigail is going to make such an awesome big sister and I am so thrilled for my sister that she gets to have a little boy and a little girl, since I think having one of each is so much fun.  With my new job it will mean I won't get to see him as much as I was hoping, but we'll just have to make some quick weekend trips to Michigan this spring and summer!

4)  Chuck and I are shrinking!  I made a goal to lose 30 lbs this summer and while I didn't quite make my goal, I'm down 26 lbs and he is down 21 lbs now, which is amazing!  He's getting close to his goal weight and even though I'm not even halfway to my goal, I've learned some really important skills this summer (calorie counting--who knew how important that was? lol. LOVE the My Fitness Pal app!) that will get me to my goal with continued hard work.  I would ideally like to be at my goal weight by the New Year...which means 34 lbs in 4 months.  Definitely doable!

5) We are going to Disney World again this year! We've booked our trip for 8 days, staying at Disney's Caribbean Beach resort, and we are soooo excited!  We are going December 12-19th, and Chuck is going to turn 40 in Disney!  We weren't initially planning on going this year but then Disney offered the free dining plan at certain resorts and it sealed the deal for us (free dining is a huge incentive at Disney and definitely worth it!)  The kids are extra excited because we are pulling them out of school for Christmas Break a week early, so they will get a whopping 3 weeks off school for winter break this year.  Lucky kids!

6)  My mom and dad are building a new house!  It is about halfway done now and is going to be amazing when it is finished.  The absolute best part?  It is on a lake!  It's a quiet, serene little lake about 20 minutes from where they live now in Michigan and the kids and I were lucky enough to head up earlier this summer to see the spot of the future house (they hadn't broken ground yet) and ride the boat around all day tubing and swimming.  It was awesome and I think next summer is going to be amazing.  The kids are so excited to visit!

That pretty much sums up the last few months in a nutshell.  Overall, we are doing great and as busy as ever.  Figuring out this full-time working mom/going to grad school thing is a big change for me, and I'm learning day by day.  Until next time (whenever that might be) :-)

Dear Aiden, on your 8th birthday

My Aiden is turning 8 this Sunday.  I can hardly even believe it has been that long since he was born.  In the hustle and bustle of life, it's easy for me to forget to tell him every day just how much and WHY I love him, so I wrote him a note.  Years ago I promised myself I would write him a birthday letter every year, and I didn't, and I wish I had kept up with it (somewhere on here is the last one, probably around 3!).  So I'm a few days early, but here it is.

Dear Aiden,                                                                                                                    

Eight years ago today, I held you in my arms for the first time, and I completely fell in love with you.  Until I became a mother, I didn’t know what it felt like to love someone else more than anything in the whole wide world.  I love you, my son, that much.  I can’t believe it has been 8 years already, it seems like it has gone by so fast.  We have had so many great times together, and you are growing up to be such a wonderful young man.  Since you are turning 8, I wanted to share with you 8 of the special reasons why I love you so much.

1.       You are caring.  You are a wonderful friend, son, and brother who is kind and caring to everyone.  You deeply love your family and you are protective of your friends and their feelings.  It is special, and I love it about you.

2.       You are brave.  Even when you are scared to try something new, you usually do it.  You’ve become so much more open to trying new things, and it is wonderful!  You are a great swimmer, which takes a lot of bravery.  

3.       You are funny!  You have a very unique sense of humor and you are silly and make me laugh every single day.  I hope it never changes!

4.       You are an artist.  Sometimes it is easy for us to be critical of our own work, and I can see that you are that way.  I really appreciate the time and effort that you put into your drawings—it is something very special about you!  I hope you never stop drawing.

5.       You are smart.  Don’t ever underestimate the power of your intelligence.  When you take your time and use your brain, you are capable of anything!  I am always amazed how easy math and reading are for you.  It is a special ability and you should feel proud!

6.       You are curious.  You have always had a great many questions about the world around you, and it is a fantastic thing!  I may not always have the answers, but we sure have fun trying to find the answers together!

7.       You are polite.  Good manners are important in this world.  People who say please and thank you, who hold doors for others, and who use kind words find that things in life come easier for them and others appreciate them more.  I am so proud of you for being a polite young man, and people compliment me often on your good manners.

8.       You are sensitive. Sometimes being sensitive is difficult, because it means that we feel things so deeply and our emotions can be hard to control.  But I want you to know how much I love that you are a sensitive person.  I can see how sympathetic you feel when a friend is sad, or how angry you feel when someone is wronged.  Feeling deeply is a trait to feel proud of, even though it means you have to work harder than others sometimes to control your emotions.

I love you for all of these reasons and a million more, at least.  Thank you for being such a wonderful son.  I hope you have the best 8^th birthday EVER!

All my love,

Mom

Lost and Found

I've written over 400 posts on this blog since I started it, but I've written over 100 more that I never published.  Posts that felt too private or too public or too whiny or too childish to put out there.  But sometimes I go back through and read them like I would pick up an old diary, leafing through the old thoughts in my brain way back when, and remembering that even when I felt like I was low I always managed to float back to the surface from the way down deep.  Life's good like that, you know?

Anyway, I came across this post that I wrote 3 years ago, almost to the day actually, and I wanted to share it.  Three years feels like a lifetime right now because Ava would have been 3 and Aiden would have been 4 about to turn 5, and years have a way of seeming like an eternity, but so very much has changed since then. New schools, new jobs, new friends, new teachers, new everything.  I'm still just as insecure about my mothering skills as I was when I wrote this post 3 years ago, and maybe I'm starting to realize that I will never think that this is all as easy as pie. Maybe I will never look at the end of a day and think I did everything right. And that's ok. Three years later, my kids are still making me want to be better, every single day, and trying to be better is really all we can do I think.

So, three years ago, there was this ***

There is a place that I go in my head, sometimes, and it is dark and dangerous and I know that I can't linger for fear of drowning. Every once in a while, I am watching my children as mothers often do, and I think to myself, "I wish they had better than me. I wish they weren't stuck with me." It's a terrible thing to think, and in the instant that the words have formed in my brain I am already backpedaling and validating all of my parenting choices and giving myself little internal high-fives and back-pats for the good things I've done for my children that day. But it's too late, those words are already there, lingering inside my always-too-busy brain. And it's all I can think about...

I.Am.Flawed.

Sure, aren't we all? I know you're thinking that. But there is always, always, this tiny voice inside my head whispering evil things, "Your children deserve a better mother than you, someone with more patience, less of a temper. Someone who hugs more and yells less. You could be doing better, you aren't really trying your hardest, are you?" Am I? Some days I just don't know...

I always thought that when I became a mother, I wouldn't have a choice in the matter--I would always want to be the best mother I could be for them. But now, having children of my own, whom I love dearly but some days make me want to rip my own hair out and run screaming into the lake...I don't know. Some days I'm really not trying my hardest. Some days I am barely scraping by, pulling my sanity behind me like some ripped and ragged security blanket. Some days I'm not even trying to be a good mother, I'm just trying not to lose my mind. And that, in a nutshell, is terrifying.

But there is a light at the end of this post. Because I can truthfully say that even on those days where all I am doing is barely managing to keep it together, they are making me want to be better. I don't always succeed, but my kids make me want to succeed. They really do make me want to be a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. Because of them, I am constantly reminding myself of my opportunities to improve, to handle a situation differently the next time around, to not sweat the small stuff. Because I really want them to look up to me, to think of me not as a perfect mother, but as one who can make mistakes, apologize, and try harder next time. It's all I will ever want from them--not perfection, but a good heart filled with good intentions.

A New New Year's Resolution

So...it's been a while. Again. I would spout out another apology about how I mean to blog more but never have the time, yadda yadda yadda...but it wouldn't be sincere. The truth is that I DO have time to blog, but I'm uninspired these days. Life is chugging along. Winter is in full swing--in fact we are in the middle of the coldest week that the country has seen in decades. It is currently a whopping -11 degrees here in Painesville. Yes, NEGATIVE 11 degrees, with windchills sitting around 35 below zero. So, it's a tad chilly. Understatement of the year.

It's no secret that I loathe winter. I despise the cold, the snow, being stuck in the house for days. It feels like a prison to me, and I long for the warmth of summer, the long days and short nights, the waves lapping on the sandy shore. I miss Lake Erie more than I ever thought I could miss a body of water. I haven't been since the fall because I know that it would just depress me even further to see the great gray bleakness, the never ending ice. Blah.

With all that being said, Christmas has come and gone, and it was wonderful. We were so fortunate this year to be able to have a generous Christmas, and the kids were delighted with Santa's gifts. We even surprised the kids a few weeks before Christmas and went to Splash Lagoon in Erie, PA, for a night. It was a really fun trip--both kids loved all of the water slides and had an absolute blast. After Christmas, Ava turned 6! I can't believe my little baby is so big now. She had a really fun party at Pat Catan's craft store with 6 of her friends. They painted jewelry boxes, had cake and snacks, opened presents (of course!) and played a few games. It was the first time in years (since Aiden turned 4 in GA and the weather was nice enough to do an outdoor party!) that we've had a birthday party away from home and it was so nice not to have to clean the house before and after the party! Always a perk for me :-)

Now the New Year is in full swing. 2014. Once again I'm faced with the task of making resolutions that I NEVER seem to actually keep (8th year in a row that I did NOT lose 30 pounds...shocker). So, in the face of a new chapter in my 33 chapter book, I decided to make a new resolution this year. A resolution that I can actually stick to, a resolution that will really make me a better mother, wife, friend, and person overall. It goes a little something like this:

Stop Feeling Guilty

My inner-monologue is hands down the meanest bitch I've ever met. Seriously. She berates me, constantly, for taking any spare minute of time for myself. She is berating me this very instant, in fact, because I am sitting at the computer writing on my blog and letting the kids play Disney Infinity...AGAIN. But you know what? This is the year that I tell that crazy conscience of mine to take a hike. She's been dragging me down for too long now. She makes me feel weak, and powerless, and she is constantly telling me horrible things like, "You're fat and ugly," "You're a terrible friend," and "You're the worst mother in the world!" It's got to stop. I can't keep being my own worst enemy all the time. I need to allow myself the simple pleasures of enjoying life and reveling in my down time, particularly because my actual "free time" is about to be severely compromised by Graduate School (6 days and counting...yikes). I need to be able to take time to exercise without feeling like I "should" be doing something more worthwhile. Cleaning can wait, and I don't need to spend every minute with my children trying to be the "best mom ever." Chances are that when my kids look back on their childhoods they won't remember me "neglecting" them by taking 45 minutes to exercise or to sit on the couch to read a book. Hopefully it will help instill in them the notion that taking time to take care of yourself mentally and physically should be a priority no matter what age you are.

This year, I vow to BE MORE HAPPY. Relish the sun on my face, the wind at my back, the moments when I'm not actually accomplishing anything except being present in that moment. The older I get, the more I am beginning to realize that not every minute of every day needs to be a productive minute. The laundry is ALWAYS going to be there in some capacity. Dishes will always need done, carpets will always need vacuumed, tables will always need dusted. But my children are growing older each day, and I owe it to them to be more joyful and present in their lives. I need to stop beating myself up for not being "perfect." There isn't any such thing! I need to stop looking in the mirror and saying such terrible, horrible things to myself. I would never be friends with someone who told me I looked disgusting, would I? Absolutely not. So, why do I say those things to myself? My body isn't perfect, it isn't nice to look at or taut and toned, but it is a healthy body. It can give great hugs, climb stairs, walk the beach. It can pick up my daughter if she falls and scrapes her knee. It can bend over to tuck my son into bed. My body is useful, capable, sturdy and strong. My body grew 2 amazing children INSIDE of it! That's something to be proud of, to feel honored by, instead of constantly feeling ugly and disgusting.

Hating myself is getting to be so exhausting. Truly. So, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop feeling so guilty all the time, I'm going to take more time for myself this year, to do the things that I enjoy and make me happy. Because when I'm happy, I'm a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter. When I take the time to do the things that matter to me (as inconsequential as they may seem to any one else), my spirit thrives, and it shows.

Less guilt in 2014. More time relishing moments. More time basking in joy. Less time stressing about the floors, clothes, dishes and dust. More time giving hugs. Less time worrying. More time reading, singing, laughing and playing.

I think I've finally made a resolution worth keeping. Here's to 2014, may it be the best chapter yet :-)