Ode to Summer

It happens every August. The sorrowful slapping of autumnal rain against sheeted glass, ribbons of dewy drops running in rivulets as Mother Nature weeps. I mourn too, for summer is ending.

I awoke this morning to a chill. I have not felt chilled outside of the confines of my artificially cooled vehicle and home in months. The nip in the air reminded me that the last of summer's bright burning flames are cooling to embers, soon to be snuffed out by snaking, swirling swarms of fluttering foliage, dancing on the wind. The mighty emerald walls around us will all too soon surrender to fall, revealing winter's skeleton in drab and dingy dim. I am always ill-prepared.

Every June, my spirit awakens with the ever-earlier rising sun, embarking on a journey basking in beach-filled days and campfire nights. My soul dances like the flitting fireflies on the lawn in mid-July, sings a chorus even more chaotic than the cacophony of crickets droning to the beat of their own ambitious aria. I literally come alive with the warmth of summer. Nothing tastes as sweet as summer ice cream melting on your tongue; cool, creamy custard shivering and slipping down your chin. Nothing feels as wonderful as icy lake water rippling over your sun-drenched summer skin like the smoothest silk, the softest fur. I always stop to remind myself that I am literally swimming, splashing, in a colossal chasm carved by a melting glacier thousands of years ago. I like to imagine that somewhere in the great depths around me there is still meltwater left from that giant block of ice, and I am swimming in a literal sea of time, and tears and tide. A sobering thought.

July bleeds blazing and burning into early August and the calendar looms, futile and forlorn. The end is near. The countdown begins: how many days left to savor and soak, relish and revel? Soon it all begins again, a new school year, a new routine, always busier than the last.

It isn't that I dislike Fall, it's just that Autumn comes with so many expectations. Summer takes you as you are, wraps you up in warmth, welcomes your lounging, lazy days, sets no boundaries or rules. Fall sweeps you away in a churning current of rigidity: schedules, schools, carpools, homework, sports and activities. Gone are the park picnics and pool days, replaced by rushing school days. And while I love crisp apples, fuzzy hooded sweatshirts, pumpkin pie and crunchy leaves...none of it holds a candle to a balmy, breezy summer night with the scent of campfire hanging heavy in the air.

Summer, I applaud you. I have one more week to sing your praises and celebrate your swan song before Autumn's requisition rushes in. And I shall cherish every moment. Until next June...a medley of summer's bounty:

The Shape of a Mother

Not everyone admits it, and in fact, for some women, it isn't even true. But for a majority of women, we face an ugly truth: having a baby ruined our bodies. *GASP* Yeah, that's right, I said it, out loud. Having children outright ruined my body. It's the cold, hard truth, no doubt about it.

A popular blog (that is by no means new, but I want to talk about anyway), The Shape of a Mother, shows the good, the bad and the ugly about women's bodies post-childbirth. Some women get off pretty easy, a few light stretch marks here and there, maybe a linea nigra (you know, that brown stripe down the middle of the tummy) that takes a while to fade. Nothing they can't stomach, pun intended! Some of us...not so much. Hideous stretch marks, baggy, sagging skin, discolored/mis-shapen nipples, breasts that are unrecognizable to our former, childless selves. Sometimes I see a mother on the beach or at the pool and I can't help myself, I feel jealous. How can she still look so GOOD? There's a thousand different variables, I'm sure genetics plays a huge part and also I know that during my first pregnancy I didn't take care of my body the way I should have. I am definitely partly to blame for my own disfigurement. And yes, I do see it as a physical disfiguration.

Is that fair? Maybe not. But I know that I can't stand to look at my stomach in a mirror. I know that I find the idea that my husband still finds me attractive and desirable to be laughable. I literally do not feel comfortable being intimate without having some sort of cover-up on that conceals what I jokingly refer to as my "kangaroo pouch." My post-pregnancy body, 4.5 years after my youngest was born, is looking worse than ever, even worse than right after I delivered. I had hoped, with my first, that my stomach would shrink, and it did, eventually. But my skin was not elastic, and I am left with a hanging pocket of skin--a flap that literally laps over my c-section scar and down into my pubic region. It's disgusting. It literally repulses me every single time I see it. It is made even more nauseating by the stretch marks covering my entire torso. Sure, they've faded to a dull silvery-white, which is better than the bright red they were initially, but they aren't any prettier to look at, that's for sure.

I have a friend that had similar post-partem body issues and recently underwent a "mommy makeover," which included a breast lift and a tummy tuck. She looks, in a word, AMAZING. It's unreal how gorgeous her stomach is--she even wears bikinis now! Granted, she worked very hard to lose weight before the surgery and has worked very hard since to maintain her new figure. And I am, of course, green with envy. The thought that someday I might be able to have this pouch of skin cut off my body...it's something I can't even let myself daydream about. Why? Because it costs thousands and thousands of dollars. My friend paid $17k for her surgery, and that's cheap according to national standards. Plastic surgery costs are on the rise and, of course, there's always the risk that something awful could go wrong during the surgery. Am I so vain that I would risk my own life just to regain some of the confidence that I had before I surrendered my body for the sake of my children?

Yes.

I know, it makes me seem like a shallow person, but I miss the old, confident me. The truth is that I've been trying to lose weight for years now. After Ava was born, I actually did lose a significant amount of weight quickly, and was the lowest weight I had been in years. Do you know how I felt looking in the mirror? In some ways, worse than being heavier now, because the excess skin was even that much more unattractive. It hung lower, my breasts were even smaller and saggier. I could fit in a smaller size pants, but I didn't want to because all I could see was that roll of skin tucked under the waist band. Some days I wonder why I even bother with all the dieting and exercise when I know that ultimately losing weight isn't going to change a damn thing about my body image.

So, the real question remains. How do I get past it? How does any mother overcome her body issues after having children? I don't know the answer. It's still a daily struggle for me. And I ask myself, over and over again, "But you would do it again, right? For them?" And the answer is, of course. I WOULD do it again, over and over, because my children are worth it. Of course they are. I know there are so many women out there right now who are struggling with infertility, who want to be pregnant more than anything in the world, and they can't. I know that they would take sagging stomach skin and stretch marks in an instant if it meant having a healthy baby. But would it have been nice to have had my cake and eat it too? Heck yes, lol.

Seriously, go check out The Shape of a Mother. I also have to add that my identical twin sister is expecting her first child, and I am over the moon excited and ecstatic for her. And I hope she realizes this is not some awful, crazy scare tactic--she's seen my battle wounds and she wants them all the same. And who knows? Maybe she will fare much better than I did! I think much of it is a matter of taking good care of yourself. I know that if I hadn't gained so much weight with my son (40 pounds exactly), I wouldn't hate my body as much as I do right now. You live and learn, and you don't get a second chance to do it right the first time. Here's to daily affirmations, loving the me on the inside because she's who counts the most, and finding the good in each and every day. This body isn't perfect--but it made some pretty amazing kids, and for that I am so extremely grateful.

Until next time,
~ B ~

Please Remember Me...

I think that this is true for nearly all parents, but I want my children look back upon their childhoods and remember me with fondness in certain very particular aspects. Perhaps, for most of us, this stems from certain wonderful memories from our own childhood that we hope to recreate and emulate for our own children. In that same sense, if we have disappointing or sad memories from our childhoods, we likely hope to spare our children from these same feelings and work our hardest to ensure that they are never in those same situations. It seems that almost daily I am struck by a particular situation or setting in which I think to myself, "I hope my children look back one day and remember this. I hope they remember me being ______." And that's what this little post is about today. For my children, I hope beyond hope that you look back on your childhoods and remember me....

Please remember all the fun summers we had swimming at the Outdoor Y. The picnics, the laughter, the friends. Please remember me as being watchful, but not overbearing, encouraging, but not insistent. Please remember me as being proud of your achievements. Please remember me as being protective of your skin so that you hopefully never need to worry about sunburn or cancer.

Please remember the time we spend reading. Please remember my funny voices, my slow pace, my explanations of words that you might not understand. Please let my love of reading pass into you and carry you through your life.

Please remember our family dinners. Every night we sit together for a home-cooked meal, we talk about our highs and lows, we connect as a family. Please remember that I taught myself how to cook, and that I love teaching you. Please remember that we had full plates, full bellies, and full hearts.

Please remember that I can be silly. Remember our kitchen dances, our sing-at-the-top-of-our-lungs car rides with the windows down. Please remember that I think you have beautiful voices, no matter what tune you sing. 

 

Please remember that I love you, no matter what. Every time I look at you, I see a little piece of my heart walking around outside my body. My love is fierce, my love is strong, my love is ever-lasting. I am here for you now, tomorrow, and always. 

 

I'm going to try to be better about blogging. I miss it a lot--writing is always a good exercise for the soul. If you are actually still reading this thing, then thank you! Until next time...

 

Barbara

High Low

I have a million things to blog about--Aiden turned 6, we had a wonderful visit with my cousin and wife and new baby, my mom and dad, sister and her husband. Our yard is all torn up like you wouldn't believe, but we have a brand new septic system and can resume our normal bathing schedule, lol. The list of things I could write about seems endless, but I want to write about a new game we've been playing at dinner. It's called High Low.

This idea isn't my own, I unashamedly stole it from a blog, I only wish I could remember which one so as to give it credit! For as long as we've been sitting at our dining room table together for dinner, we've always asked our kids to tell us about their day. We talk about school, Y classes, playing outside, etc. But then I stumbled upon the High Low game, and I think it's worth telling you all about. I think it's something that is really encouraging our kids to open up to us, to not just tell us about the good, but to tell us about the bad too, and how it made them feel. It's becoming my favorite part of the day, listening to my littles share their hearts with me.

It's as simple as it sounds. We go around the table in turns and each person tells about the High point of their day, and the Low point of their day. Ava's is usually predictable, if I made something she likes to eat for dinner, that is usually her high point, lol. She struggles to come up with a Low, and she usually needs reminding about a fight with her brother or a fit she threw at me for some trivial thing or another. She doesn't like reflecting on the Low point, it makes her feel sad, but we always end up discussing what happened and finding solace in the fact that she can always try harder next time to control her temper, or be nicer to a friend. Aiden's High often involves success with building a toy or completing a level in a video game, but he's starting to evolve and take more pride in his own personal accomplishments. Yesterday his High was that he graduated his swimming class and is now a Polliwog (based solely on the fact that he turned 6 and moves automatically to the next level, but he doesn't know this, and I am proud of how hard he worked this session). He was so proud to tell us, so happy with his little piece of paper. It really warmed my heart. His Low typically involves something that happened at school--another kid making fun of the way he writes a certain letter or the way he sang a song in music class, or he tripped and fell in gym. It hurts me to hear him describe his embarrassment or sadness, but it encourages me to hear him talk about it so freely. This silly little game we play, it's helping my kids really TALK to us about the way they feel, about their best moments of the day and their darkest ones as well. I hope that as the years go by, we always look at this game as an opportunity to grow as parents, to nurture our children and raise them to be individuals who are capable of expressing feelings and emotions. I hope that it's something that they look back on and remember with nostalgia and love. I know I definitely will.

I just wanted to share this little game on my blog, so I can remember when it began for our family, and encourage others to play it too. High Low is quickly becoming the High point of most of my days, because it's hard to find time in my busy daily life to just sit and do nothing but talk to my kids about their feelings. And it's also really, really nice to hear my 4 year old say, "Mommy, what was the best part of your day?"

My Disney Journal

During our Disney vacation, I kept a daily journal of what we did and the memories we made, because I knew I would forget all too soon otherwise! Please do NOT feel obligated to read the entire thing, I am posting it so that I have it saved somewhere other than my hard drive, lol. We really did have the most amazing trip and I wanted to remember every minute of it!

If you are interested in seeing the pictures I took in Disney, here is the link to them: https://plus.google.com/photos/116819915576737615694/albums/5703566408873855265?authkey=CLug0_Kh3bWj2gE. We have a ton of photos that Disney photographers took also, but we're still trying to decide if we want to purchase them or not!

Our Disney Trip: January 22-29, 2012

Sunday: Today was a busy travel day! We flew out of the Pittsburgh airport because it was much cheaper than flying out of Cleveland, so we ended up coming to Pittsburgh Saturday evening and staying in a hotel near the airport (yay for credit card points and a free night at the Holiday Inn!). Our flight left at 6:20am so we had to be up EARLY and everyone was cranky, but excited. We had a layover in Atlanta where Delta ended up putting the 4 of us in separate seats for the continuing flight, but we got it straightened out and everything else went off without a hitch. After a long trip on the Magical Express in Orlando, we finally arrived at our resort, the Wilderness Lodge, around 2:30pm. We explored the resort and went swimming for a bit—it was sunny and almost 80 degrees! Aiden really loved the water slide in the pool, and Ava loved swimming in the kiddie pool (she didn’t have to worry about getting water in her ears in there). Eventually we headed back to the room and got cleaned up for dinner. We took the boat from Wilderness Lodge to the Contemporary Resort and had dinner at Chef Mickey’s! It was a buffet dinner with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Pluto! It really was a great way to start off our trip, the kids were so excited to see their favorite characters. After dinner, we rode the monorail to the Magic Kingdom. We had time for a few rides before the fireworks, so we went on Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin, the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party, and the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. The fireworks really scared Ava (I made a note to bring earplugs for next time) and Aiden ended up falling asleep in his stroller, silly boy! We made it out of the Magic Kingdom and took the boat back to our resort. In our room the kids had a big surprise waiting for them! My cousin, Chris, and his wife, Dawn, had sent the kids gift baskets with personalized embroidered Mickey Ears, character autograph books with matching pens, and some Mickey pretzels and cookies! It was such an amazing gift and the kids were so excited! What a great end to a very busy day!

Monday: We started off the first full day of our trip with a character breakfast in the Magic Kingdom! We rode the boat over from our resort (that was such a nice feature, as the bus rides in Disney can take a while, but the boat ride was about 10 minutes!) and made our way to The Crystal Palace. It was a breakfast buffet featuring Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Eeyore, and Tigger. The kids loved the characters and this time had their new autograph books and loved getting the characters signatures. After breakfast, we hit the rides hard. We explored the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse, rode the Jungle Cruise (I loved the kitschy humor!) and rode It’s a Small World (Aiden saw the Parisian dancers lifting their skirts and yelled, “Mom! They are showing us their panties!” It was hilarious!). Then we did the Magic Carpets of Aladdin (beware of the water-squirting camel! He got me right in the ear, lol) and the Pirates of the Caribbean. Later we split up so that Aiden and Daddy could ride Splash Mountain (Aiden LOVED it) while Ava and I rode the train around the Magic Kingdom and got in line to get Woody and Jessie’s autographs. Then we all headed back to the hotel (love that boat ride!) and the kids went to the Cub’s Den for a few hours while Chuck and I went to Hollywood Studios for the night. We had a quick dinner of cheeseburgers and fries (not healthy, but very good!) and then rode the Tower of Terror and Rockin’ Roller Coaster. Both rides were a blast but the waits had been a bit long, so our night out was over. We bought the kids souvenirs (a princess Minnie stuffed animal for Ava and a Perry the Platypus stuffed animal for Aiden) and picked up the kids. They had a blast in the Cub’s Den and were delighted with their presents.


Tuesday: Animal Kingdom! Another bright and sunshiny day in Disney, sunny and 80 again! We rode the bus to the Animal Kingdom and headed straight for the roller coaster, Expedition Everest. Aiden and Chuck rode right away and Aiden was a bit scared. I wanted to ride it since the line was so short and Chuck convinced Aiden to go with me again, but it proved to be too much for the little guy, he cried almost the entire ride. But it was a great coaster! Next we headed to Kilamanjaro Safaris. This is set up like a real African safari ride through a large, sprawling zoo, and the animals roam pretty freely. We saw everything from a baby elephant with his mother (my favorite!) to giraffes blocking the road of another car, hippos, rhinos, crocodiles, and everything in between. Ava loved how bumpy the car was on the path! After our safari ride, we walked the Pangani Forest Trail to see the gorillas and birds and other small animals. We had lunch at Pizzafari and then played in the Boneyard for a while (a large fenced-in playground, essentially. The kids loved it!). Next we rode the Triceratop Spin and then Aiden and Chuck rode Dinosaur while Ava and I played some more in the Boneyard. Afterwards, we saw two amazing shows: The Festival of the Lion King and Finding Nemo, the Musical. Both were great and Ava, in particular, LOVED the music in the Lion King and couldn’t sit still in her seat! Animal Kingdom closed for the day at 5pm and we headed back for a great BBQ meal at the Whispering Canyon Café at our resort. The kids did hobby horse races after dinner and especially loved that when someone asked for ketchup, the last table to request it had to race over and bring all 12 bottles of ketchup to the next person who asked. It was hilarious! (We asked for ketchup before we knew how this all worked, lol. Not a lot of elbow room on our table after that!). Chuck and I shared a skillet with ribs, chicken, mashed potatoes and corn and it was really good! We went swimming after dinner and then made an early night of it, everyone was exhausted!

Wednesday: Yet again, we lucked out and it was another gorgeous day in Disney—sunny and near 80 degrees. We hit Hollywood Studios, which proved to be one of everyone’s favorite parks! There are a ton of shows to see in Hollywood Studios, and we did as many as we could. First things first though, we raced to sign Aiden up for Jedi Training! He was in the 12:40pm show and it was awesome. Each kid got to wear a robe and use a light saber to battle Darth Vader! It was definitely a huge highlight of our Disney trip. We saw Disney Junior Live with Mickey and the Clubhouse gang, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, the Little Einsteins, and Handy Manny and all of his tools. Mommy and Ava saw Voyage of the Little Mermaid and Ava loved the kiss at the end. We had lunch at Pizza Planet, which was fun for the kids, and then saw Muppets 3D, and Beauty and The Beast on Stage. The kids had a great time meeting Phineas and Ferb and really loved the Pixar Pals parade. Then we had dinner at the Sci-Fi Diner where you eat in cars like you are at a drive-in movie. After dinner we took the bus back to Magic Kingdom and saw the fireworks in an AMAZING spot. It was a really long but super fun day!

Thursday: We seriously lucked out on the weather during our trip—ANOTHER beautiful day, sunny and 80 degrees! We decided to take a bit of time to relax today. We had breakfast at the hotel quick service café, and did some laundry. Then we took the bus to Downtown Disney for some shopping. The kids got Disney gift cards from Granny and Grandad for Christmas, and they were so excited to have some spending money of their very own! We checked out the Lego store (some amazing creations there, including a Loch Ness Monster in the lagoon, so awesome!) and the World of Disney store. Aiden bought 2 Phineas and Ferb playsets and a Mickey Pirates of the Caribbean set. Ava bought a Cinderella locket, a Minnie fashion set and a stuffed Minnie doll. Chuck bought me a beautiful snowglobe with Cinderella’s Castle inside! In the afternoon, we had lunch back at the hotel and went swimming for a bit, then headed out to the Magic Kingdom for some fun. We saw Mickey’s Philharmagic and then Aiden and Chuck rode the Haunted Mansion ride while Ava and I rode the carousel a few times. We really lucked out and got to meet some very special characters with NO WAITING during the afternoon parade: Mickey, Minnie, Belle, Aurora and Cinderella! Ava was so sweet and excited, she got to talk with each of the princesses for a few minutes and it amazed me how wonderful they were with her. For dinner we went to the Polynesian resort and ate at Ohana’s—hands down the BEST meal we ate in Disney! Even Aiden found a food he liked—steak! Good taste, kid! We ended the day by taking the monorail to Epcot where we rode The Seas with Nemo & Friends and then saw Illuminations, Epcot’s fireworks display.

Friday: In the morning, we split up into boys and girls so the guys could ride some of the bigger rides at Epcot. Aiden and Chuck rode Test Track twice, Soarin’, and Mission: Space while Ava and I went to the Magic Kingdom for more of her favorites (the carousel, It’s a Small World, and we got Dole Whips for a treat, yum!). Then we met the boys in Epcot and “lunched around the world” feeding people in various countries, lol. Chuck and I had great sushi in Japan (Ava even ate the fish eggs from mine, silly girl!), Ava had a hotdog somewhere in the middle, and Aiden tried an empanada in Mexico. It did rain for about 20 minutes (those ponchos from the Dollar Tree came in handy!) but then it cleared up and the sun came back out. We had some fun in the afternoon riding the Nemo ride again and saw Turtle Talk with Crush which was really funny and one of the coolest parts of Epcot. We also rode Spaceship Earth (inside the big Epcot globe) and saw the Circle of Life movie. For dinner we had a really memorable experience: dinner with the Princesses at Akershus in Norway! Ava was absolutely enthralled and could hardly believe her eyes. Belle and Cinderella even remembered meeting her the day before at the Magic Kingdom! (it really was the same princesses, too!). Snow White held Ava’s hand as they did a princess parade around the restaurant, and we got a wonderful keepsake photo of the kids with Belle. After dinner, we finally met up with the Tanskis, our friends who were also in Disney for the week! The kids went to the Sandcastle Club at their resort, The Beach Club, while we headed out to walk around Epcot, have some beers, and see the fireworks. Unfortunately, Aiden ended up getting sick and they called us to come pick him up, but after that he was ok and we headed back to the hotel for bed.

Saturday: Our LAST day in Disney! We decided to spend it at Magic Kingdom, which ended up being really crowded because it was the weekend. We rode Peter Pan’s flight and then met Tiana. We saw the Monster’s Inc Laugh Factory, which was really cute, and then Aiden and Dad rode Space Mountain. We rode Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger spin and Aladdin’s Magic Carpets again, and then saw the Country Bear’s Jamboree. We lucked out and got a front row seat to take in the afternoon parade one last night (Belle waved and pointed at Ava, she recognized her again!). We stopped in a shop on our way out to buy a few more souvenirs (t-shirts, a Christmas ornament, and some toys for the kids) and decided to head back to the hotel for ice cream and a bit of a rest. Dinner was at the Grand Floridian Café (where I accidentally fell down the stairs, ouch!) and we watched fireworks from the hotel since it had an amazing view of the castle. Then we headed back to the hotel for packing and bed.

Travel Sunday took ALL day and was, by far, the absolute worst day of our vacation, so I will spare you the ugly details, lol. The good news is that we all made it home safe and sound…eventually.

Our Disney trip was a magical vacation that I will remember forever. I can’t imagine a better family vacation, we made memories that I know will always be among my most treasured. Seeing Disney through the eyes of my children, with such wonder and awe, it was truly a trip of a lifetime.