The Shape of a Mother

Not everyone admits it, and in fact, for some women, it isn't even true. But for a majority of women, we face an ugly truth: having a baby ruined our bodies. *GASP* Yeah, that's right, I said it, out loud. Having children outright ruined my body. It's the cold, hard truth, no doubt about it.

A popular blog (that is by no means new, but I want to talk about anyway), The Shape of a Mother, shows the good, the bad and the ugly about women's bodies post-childbirth. Some women get off pretty easy, a few light stretch marks here and there, maybe a linea nigra (you know, that brown stripe down the middle of the tummy) that takes a while to fade. Nothing they can't stomach, pun intended! Some of us...not so much. Hideous stretch marks, baggy, sagging skin, discolored/mis-shapen nipples, breasts that are unrecognizable to our former, childless selves. Sometimes I see a mother on the beach or at the pool and I can't help myself, I feel jealous. How can she still look so GOOD? There's a thousand different variables, I'm sure genetics plays a huge part and also I know that during my first pregnancy I didn't take care of my body the way I should have. I am definitely partly to blame for my own disfigurement. And yes, I do see it as a physical disfiguration.

Is that fair? Maybe not. But I know that I can't stand to look at my stomach in a mirror. I know that I find the idea that my husband still finds me attractive and desirable to be laughable. I literally do not feel comfortable being intimate without having some sort of cover-up on that conceals what I jokingly refer to as my "kangaroo pouch." My post-pregnancy body, 4.5 years after my youngest was born, is looking worse than ever, even worse than right after I delivered. I had hoped, with my first, that my stomach would shrink, and it did, eventually. But my skin was not elastic, and I am left with a hanging pocket of skin--a flap that literally laps over my c-section scar and down into my pubic region. It's disgusting. It literally repulses me every single time I see it. It is made even more nauseating by the stretch marks covering my entire torso. Sure, they've faded to a dull silvery-white, which is better than the bright red they were initially, but they aren't any prettier to look at, that's for sure.

I have a friend that had similar post-partem body issues and recently underwent a "mommy makeover," which included a breast lift and a tummy tuck. She looks, in a word, AMAZING. It's unreal how gorgeous her stomach is--she even wears bikinis now! Granted, she worked very hard to lose weight before the surgery and has worked very hard since to maintain her new figure. And I am, of course, green with envy. The thought that someday I might be able to have this pouch of skin cut off my body...it's something I can't even let myself daydream about. Why? Because it costs thousands and thousands of dollars. My friend paid $17k for her surgery, and that's cheap according to national standards. Plastic surgery costs are on the rise and, of course, there's always the risk that something awful could go wrong during the surgery. Am I so vain that I would risk my own life just to regain some of the confidence that I had before I surrendered my body for the sake of my children?

Yes.

I know, it makes me seem like a shallow person, but I miss the old, confident me. The truth is that I've been trying to lose weight for years now. After Ava was born, I actually did lose a significant amount of weight quickly, and was the lowest weight I had been in years. Do you know how I felt looking in the mirror? In some ways, worse than being heavier now, because the excess skin was even that much more unattractive. It hung lower, my breasts were even smaller and saggier. I could fit in a smaller size pants, but I didn't want to because all I could see was that roll of skin tucked under the waist band. Some days I wonder why I even bother with all the dieting and exercise when I know that ultimately losing weight isn't going to change a damn thing about my body image.

So, the real question remains. How do I get past it? How does any mother overcome her body issues after having children? I don't know the answer. It's still a daily struggle for me. And I ask myself, over and over again, "But you would do it again, right? For them?" And the answer is, of course. I WOULD do it again, over and over, because my children are worth it. Of course they are. I know there are so many women out there right now who are struggling with infertility, who want to be pregnant more than anything in the world, and they can't. I know that they would take sagging stomach skin and stretch marks in an instant if it meant having a healthy baby. But would it have been nice to have had my cake and eat it too? Heck yes, lol.

Seriously, go check out The Shape of a Mother. I also have to add that my identical twin sister is expecting her first child, and I am over the moon excited and ecstatic for her. And I hope she realizes this is not some awful, crazy scare tactic--she's seen my battle wounds and she wants them all the same. And who knows? Maybe she will fare much better than I did! I think much of it is a matter of taking good care of yourself. I know that if I hadn't gained so much weight with my son (40 pounds exactly), I wouldn't hate my body as much as I do right now. You live and learn, and you don't get a second chance to do it right the first time. Here's to daily affirmations, loving the me on the inside because she's who counts the most, and finding the good in each and every day. This body isn't perfect--but it made some pretty amazing kids, and for that I am so extremely grateful.

Until next time,
~ B ~