I have my little brother on my mind today. It's his 28th birthday, and he's spending yet another birthday behind bars. If my math is right, it's the 5th one in the last 7 years. It's sad, heartbreaking for my family...I can't imagine how it feels for him right now.
We don't talk much about my little brother these days. One the one hand, it's almost embarrassing that something so awful could happen to him. On the other, it's painful to remember. Things just seem better left in the past; he put everyone through so much that it seems pointless to re-hash it all. What's done is done. Sometimes, I will ashamedly admit, days go by and I don't think of him at all. And then suddenly, especially lately when I am playing with my kids, I get hit by a certain long-forgotten memory, a tiny piece of the old Matthew that I stored away somewhere, and I miss him. We never had a great relationship, that much is true. But I still love him, even now, even after everything.
It hurts my heart to know that my children will not grow up knowing who their Uncle Matt is. They did meet him, once, over Thanksgiving back in 2009, when he was clean and out of prison and on a track that we all hoped would stay that way. But it didn't. Somewhere along the line he lost his balance, didn't ask for help, fell off the wire, went back to heroin, robbed several stores, landed back in prison. I haven't spoken to him in 2 years. I'm not sure when I will.
Like I said, we don't mention Matthew much these days. But sometimes, NOT talking about him feels wrong. I think his story is heartbreaking, but it's happening everywhere, all over this country. There is NO such thing as recreational drug use, especially when it comes to hard drugs. I've never met a single person who could "take it or leave it" when it comes to heroin. From my understanding, once you start on a drug like that, it changes you, makes you willing to do almost anything for more. Steal from your family? Yes. Lie to your family? Yes. Even rob a store at gunpoint, just for a few hundred dollars to get your next high. It's scary what drugs can do, but at the same time I think my family is grateful that it wasn't worse. He isn't dead, he didn't overdose. He didn't kill anyone. He has some pretty serious psychiatric problems and health issues, and in prison he is actually getting the help he needs to get better. Eventually. Maybe. I don't know. I'm hopeful.
Matthew can't read this, but his story is important. I know it will be one that I will eventually tell to my children, over and over, to show them what drugs can do to even the smartest and brightest of people. When the sky is your limit, and you choose to do hard drugs, there's just no telling how far you can fall.
Happy Birthday, Matthew. I love you. I forgive you. I hope you are getting better.
~Barbara
Monday, January 9, 2012
Another Birthday Behind Bars...
Posted by The Bailey Family at 12:58 PM
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2 comments:
Good post! I'm sad to say that I didn't even remember it was his birthday until later in the day :( Sometimes it is easier to just not talk about him, but I think you're right that his story is one worth telling if it can help others. The worst part for me is that I'm grateful he's in prison because it means that he's not out in the world doing harm to himself and others. Thanks for writing about something we don't talk much about.
A thoughtful post about your brother. Though he has not made the best decisions in his life it's good to remember the part of him that is good so you can forgive.
Maybe when his time in the pokey is up he'll be clean and you can have a relationship. Don't give up hope, he needs it.
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