Jealousy. Oh the ugliness of jealousy. Green just isn't my color, yet somehow I can never stop myself from trying it on for size. Where is it coming from, you ask? A petty place, that is for sure.
As far as having babies goes, I had mine earlier than a lot of my friends from college or camp or wherever. Many of my friends don't have kids yet, and my first baby will start Kindergarten this year (gasp!). So Facebook, lately, has been a veritable baby blur--pictures and birth stories and general tales of love and laughter. And I am so happy for these friends of mine, truly I am, but I can't help it. The little green monster in me is throwing quite a fit.
No, no, no, it's not what you think. I am *not* jealous that my friends are having babies. I did that, had two of them, and I am definitely done making people, lol. It's just that, well, it feels like all of my friends' new babies are...perfect! They are "little angels," they are "sleeping 10 hours already at 2 months old!," and my friends all "just love being a mom more than anything else in the world!" Facebook didn't exist (or at least, I wasn't on it) back when Aiden was born, but trust me, if it had, my status updates wouldn't have looked anything like theirs. My status updates would have been more like, "Why why WHY won't he stop crying!?!?!?!" or "Is it ALWAYS this hard?" or "I don't even remember what sleep actually feels like....SOB!" I'd like to say that I am exaggerating, but anyone that ever met Aiden as a baby can attest that he didn't like being a baby any more than I initially liked being a mom. It was HARD...so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I loved him, but learning how to deal with a newborn that almost never slept and cried constantly...it was a rough initiation into what was supposed to be one of the best and most exciting times in my life.
I needed to get this out on paper and try to get over it. I can't go back and change the way things were, and I know that I am a stronger mother for having weathered the storms of infancy in this house. Ava was a fairly happy baby, but she was also a terrible (if not worse!) sleeper like her brother, and then had all those ear infections and eventually tubes. Maybe I need to try to look at things from a different angle. I want so badly to be happy for all of my friends and their joys and blessings, so I need to get over the fact that I didn't have perfect babies. And it's not to say that it was all bad, after all, I did try my best to cherish those sweet moments when they happened, however few and far between.
Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own. ~Harold Coffin
I couldn't have said it better myself. This is the dawn of a new year, a fresh start for me and a time to let go of petty feelings and count the joys that are real for me today. Do I feel like maybe I missed out on some of the joys of motherhood because my firstborn was a difficult newborn? Yes. But I wouldn't change a hair on his head. He is headstrong and fierce, and he just didn't like being a baby, lol. But he is my joy, my sweet wonderful boy, and while I may not have had many moments cooing to him in his nursery, I have had a million great moments with him as a pre-schooler. So I would have to say it was worth it, every single time.
Here is to letting go of doubt, freeing myself of envy, and being grateful for the moments that are mine and mine alone. I'm sure jealousy will be waiting for me to try her on for size again sometime soon...let's just hope I remember how terrible I look in green;)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
It's Not Easy Being Green
Posted by The Bailey Family at 9:14 PM
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5 comments:
Barb, as you know I also had a terrible sleeper. what I had to overcome on facebook in regards to all the "perfect babies and perfect mothers" was that most of them were lying or only posting on the good days. I'm sure ever kid is differentAnd sleep "all night" from day one, and some moms truly are blissfully happy every moment of every day but I don't think that's reality. At least it want my reality or many of my friends.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're definitely not alone.
Carolyn
Barbara, I totally agree with everything Carolyn said. My first child was a really good baby, but no where near perfect. As you know there was only one PERFECT human and He lived 2000 years ago. My second child was so very different. He cried for the first 10 months of his life. He had ear infections, acid reflux and was just plain unhappy. I so admire your honesty! You are an amazing mother. I see all the crafts and things you do with your children and I get jealous of that. We all have something we want to be better at, and that is one of mine. Keep your head up and count your blessings because you do have so very many. God Bless!! Jennifer
Your babies might not have been wonderful sleepers, but once they got to a certain age they turned into GREAT sleepers, and just think of all the moms who are jealous of you because of that. Never forget that the grass is always greener - it's something I have to remind myself of every day :-). Xoxo
~Liz~
i feel sad when i think that i didn't enjoy either of my kids till they were over a year. and kinda jealous when other people have 4 close kids and i have had to take a LONG break before having another one because i nearly lost my mind from lack of sleep/stress and other people didn't have that. i got over it when i started reading a friends blog whos kid had cancer and i realized that i would never cry over anything as long as one of my kids never gets cancer. it was a good way to end my really long pity party. i also laugh now when i watch survivor and they are whinning about going with little sleep for a few days and i'm like , try 2 years, i once went 72 hours straight and i didn't get to lay on a beach the next day. i'm one mama who knows what your talking about. oh and i also used to tell myself, i'd rather have a cute one that cried alot then an ugly one that didn't ....haha...you could say that too.....its rude, but sometimes you gotta say what you gotta say to make yourself feel better.
Ask those same friends in 5 years how they really felt back when their babies were little. I wanted everyone to think that I was perfect and my babies were perfect. BAH! Keeping up a "perfect" picture helps you get through all of the puke, poop, tears, sleeplessness and stress. It keeps you in touch with a little old you. Doing make up, smiling when you're haggard, brushing your hair. With a little bit of a facade every now and then, you feel human and normal. Don't be jealous. Be happy. We have lived through and survived. We know now we can gripe and be honest....it's less stressful.
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