My Dirty Little Secret

In light of my friend Carolyn's Momcenter blog post today, and this sister post about dirty houses, I decided to "come clean," so to speak, on my blog and admit something that some of you might know, but a lot of you probably don't.

I am a complete neat-freak.

Not a clean freak, as in germs make me crazy or anything like that, but a NEAT freak. An "everything-must-be-in-its-proper-place-or-I-will-likely-develop-a-nervous-twitch" freak.

Like most people with a strange tendency, mine manifests itself in a compulsive need for order and cleanliness, a desire for every possession I own to have a place and a need for nothing to be OUT of place. Strangely, though, I really only care about the OUTWARD appearance of things, such as everything in a room needs to be put away, but not caring at all about the actual order of items once they are inside a closet or a drawer. Subsequently, my house appears to the casual observer to nearly always be freakishly "clean," but if you actually opened my drawers or closets you would likely find things to be unfolded, balled up, in a heap together or even just lying in a pile on the floor. Yet outwardly, all the beds in the house are made, the kitchen counters are wiped clean, the dishes are put away, the couch pillows are fluffed, the floors are vacuumed, etc. It is an odd behavior that only seems to be getting worse with time, and having children compounds it.

Watching shows like "Hoarders" on TLC literally makes my skin crawl. Not because I am judging these people by the way they live, but because I literally lack the ability to comprehend how they could exist in an environment so cluttered and chaotic. I wrestle internally with the compulsion to simply follow my children from room to room, picking up after them the entire day. I don't want to be this way, I think about how much more enjoyable my life would be if I could successfully suppress the constant urge to "tidy things up," but at the same time I have absolutely no idea how to break a habit that is so rooted in my life, my upbringing. It is, admittedly, a daily struggle.

But posts like Carolyn's DO make me stop and think. I am wasting valuable time with my children by spending so much time cleaning, and more importantly...I do not want this life for them. I want them to be able to pick up the tv remote, then put it back in a completely different spot and not think twice about it. So I am trying. I am learning to relax my standards for their benefit. For the most part I only clean up the playroom every few days or so (even when being in there makes my hands itch to put things away). I try to save the majority of my wiping and sweeping and vacuuming for first thing in the morning or while they are resting. It doesn't always happen, sometimes my tendencies still get the better of me, but I am making a conscious effort. Baby steps, right?

"A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." ~Anonymous. Maybe not necessarily words to live by...but definitely some food for thought.