Purple heart

I'm having one of those sentimental Mommy days, where the tiniest moments seem larger than life and I wish that I could freeze time to make them stay this way forever. I can't even blame it on PMS or hormones or anything like that, it's just me being really emotional, so in other words...myself. Most days I can't even drive somewhere for 20 minutes in the car without hearing a song that reduces me to a blubbering mess (partly the reason I've been avoiding country music lately--I'm far less likely to burst into tears over Ke$ha, lol).

We played play-doh this morning, me and my A's. Aiden and I were trying to teach Ava her letters and shapes (without much success, I might add. Ava is convinced that all letters are either X, N or D. She spelled her name XDND, no joke). She picked up a purple heart from the table, smashed it in her tiny hands, and then looked at me and said, "Oh no! My heart is broken, can you fix it?" I couldn't help it, in an instant the tears that started bubbling up in the corners of my eyes and threatening to slide down my cheeks. I looked at this tiny person, so absolutely innocent and pure and wonderful, and I realized that some day her heart IS going to be broken, and there will be nothing I can do about it.

I know what you're thinking. "Wow, girl, you need to stop watching so many Hallmark commercials!" or you're possibly wondering if I am sure I'm not pregnant (don't worry, I'm sure, lol). I don't know what gets into me sometimes, the things these little people say to me that tear me up inside when I realize that they have this whole life in front of them and they are going to live it and have things happen to them that are completely beyond my control. Some day, hopefully in the VERY distant future, my little girl is going to give away her heart and, like most first loves, it will probably end in heartbreak. It will be something that changes her forever, and it won't have a single thing to do with me. It is a staggering thought for me, because I've been the absolute center of her world for the past nearly 3 years. But kids get older and you send them off to school and soon there are entire chunks of their day that you know nothing about. How surreal and distressing and astonishing to suddenly realize, over a hunk of purple play-doh, that very soon I will not be the center of their universes any more.

Yeah, I totally cried.

I think this must be the point in some mother's lives where they immediately decide to have another baby, to make another person that will need them so ultimately and completely. But I am not going to do that (no worries, Chuck). I have been looking forward to this independence of theirs, these times that are so exciting for them and so terrifying for me. I am going to embrace the changes, the advancement, the growing. And I really, really hope that one day when my little girl actually does get her heart broken, that she'll come to me and cry on my shoulder and remind me of a simpler time when all she really needed was a hug from her Mommy.