Pieces of Me

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

I can't count how many times before Aiden was born that I thought to myself, "I won't let having a baby change me. I'll still be me." But the truth is, that's just not possible. Having a child means that your life is never the same again. Having a child means that YOU are never the same you.

I feel like these last almost-thirty-years make up one giant puzzle, all of the pieces of me. There are so many different me's. Shy and quiet Barbara from grade school, just one wrong look could send me to tears. Smart and friendly Barbara from middle school, with my first boyfriend and my first kiss. Summer camp Barbara, full of energy and songs and life and happiness. Show choir Barbara, loving high school and boyfriends, road trips and prom and parties. In college I became Bea, someone totally new, with jobs and papers to write and deadlines to meet and bills to pay. I smoked clove cigarettes and lived with my boyfriend and couldn't pick a major to save my life. Next came working Barbara, at Reader's Digest and then Progressive, where I fumbled and failed and thrived and succeeded. And one man came along and I fell in love and all of a sudden, I was about to become Mommy.

Now I am someone totally new. And yet some days I can't even remember who I used to be. I search for her, in the quiet moments of the afternoon when the house is still with sleeping babes, I look around and wonder where I went. It's like working Barbara went to the store and forgot to come back, and sent Mommy back in her place. I make meals and I clean messes and I wipe bottoms and I read stories and I play pretend. I push swings and I teach the alphabet and I sing songs and I give timeouts. And every once in a while, in the middle of the day, I take 10 minutes to myself in a locked bathroom, and I cry, because that's what you do when you miss someone. I miss me.

I'm trying to remember that this is one big journey, and we are all constantly changing into someone new. I'm trying to find the things that make me happy, find hobbies I enjoy and can actually find time to do, make friends with people whose company makes me feel like myself. But once you have children, being their mother ALWAYS comes first. Their needs and their wants--I am their everything. Some days it's a little hard to reconcile with that, because just 5 years ago I was only MY everything. Being someone's everything, two people's everything, it's a privilege and an honor, but it's equally terrifying and exhausting. It's the best and the hardest job I've ever had, and I don't get a grade or a progress report or a performance evaluation or a raise. I do get lots of love and hugs and kisses, and thankfully, it's enough:)

I know some people will read this and judge me, but I hope that the mothers reading this will nod in agreement, sigh a little sigh, and start assembling your own puzzles. With all of the pieces of you...